Our Family Blog

we're moving

2011-03-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that I get a giggle out of our friends and family reading the title of this blog and going, "What the crap? Didn't they just move?!" Yes, we did. This time, we're just moving the 'ole family blog. There's a lot less boxing up of stuff this way.

Here's the deal. I began this blog in my pregnancy with Jude for basically two people - my Mom and Shawn's Mom. Our siblings, Aunts, Uncles, and a few friends started reading. I loved being able to show home videos, pictures, and stories of my pregnancy. I was able to document Jude's infant hood and this blog turned into a memory book of sorts. Somehow people from Pinedale found this blog, which I also loved because most people who read it loved the heck out of Jude and enjoy reading about his goings ons. Then strangers started reading (through a certain person who shall remain nameless....but not linkless). Truthfully, I again didn't mind at all. In fact, those people I don't personally know often leave really encouraging and helpful comments, and I'm all about getting to know and sharing information with as many people as possible.

But what began as a blog for our Moms with loads of personal information on it has spread. I'm not saying that tons of people read this blog (because they don't), just more people than I expected. Personally, I blame Jude's cheeks and know that's the real reason you come back. I know, I know - they're delicious.

And because I watch way more Law and Order: SVU than any normal person should, it makes me a bit uncomfortable that our names and location are spread all over this blog. Specifically in that I have no way to change the URL of his blog to something different than "maurerfamilyblog." Not that any of you would ever even have a hurtful thought towards my family, I just feel like if the readership (very fancy, huh?) of this blog continues to grow, I should probably take some steps to protect my kids. I don't know that I'm comfortable with their first and last names, photos, city, church, and school information being readily available for everyone to see.

So the Maurer Family Blog is moving! I will still continue to share photos, videos, and potentially embarrassing stories with you, and I don't plan on changing the voice of my writing anytime soon. I just won't be publicizing our family's last name and exact location. I plan on referring to Jude as, "Bug," and Cohen as, "Bear," and if he'll let me I'll refer to Shawn as, "Preacher Man." Who am I kidding? There's no way he'll let me.

And yet...I will.

I mean really, how cool is that?! My kids get code names because they're soooooooo popular (I know you can't see me as I'm typing, but I hope you know I'm rolling my eyes). Personally, I'd prefer to refer to them as Jude and Cohen (and may do so in the future), but I'd rather take giant steps in protecting them and realize I can loosen up a bit later, as opposed to not doing enough now and having to edit every blog post written to change or delete information.

Thank you for indulging what I know is probably paranoia, but what also makes me feel like I'm doing what I can to protect my sweet kids. Not everyone in the world is as sweet and kindhearted as I know you all are. I hope you continue to join our journey through parenthood, ministry, marriage, and everything in between.

The new Maurer Family Blog: Jennyerally : Speaking

where's jude?

2011-03-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

inappropriate

2011-03-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

The other day Jude ran up to me in the kitchen and started saying with much passion, "rape! rape! rape!" I tried to keep calm as I asked Jude how he knew that word and what he thought it meant. Somewhere in the midst of my mind running through the worst case scenario, I realized he was pointing to the refrigerator. And that by "rape," he meant "grape." Of course.

Jude has a fascination with crackers, and was on a vehement graham cracker kick for several months. The problem was that he couldn't quite pronounce the word, "cracker." There were many days in Target that a toddler was heard several aisles away yelling, "Moe crack! Moe crack!" I blame the parents.

Our dare devil of a son has a propensity to climb on top of or into things without giving thought to how he'll get down or out of said things. His response when he realizes that he's unable to get himself to safe ground is to yell at Shawn or I, "I stuck!" Except he leaves out the "t."

When I've had a particularly rough day dealing with a toddler hyped up on grapes and crack, I'm tempted to say, "Yes...yes, dear son. Sometimes you do."

And then I see this face, and I remember how privileged I am that God called him to love, teach, and steward this little life -

- no matter how embarrassed I get when he accidentally yells inappropriate things in large crowds of people.

snow!

2011-03-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

It didn't actually snow in Texas this week, although word on the street is some of our northern family did in fact wake up to several inches of white fluff. Us? It's been in the 70's this week and may get into the 80's by this weekend. Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days I've seen, and we did our best to spend quite a bit of time outside. Yep, Texas livin' is tough.

However, I did find these photos from a month or so ago of the snow we did get in Dallas. We snobby northerners know that if you can see the grass after it snows, it qualifies as a mere dusting. Texas did not get that memo. Oprah was preempted so that this "snow storm" could be discussed for hours on end.

I'm not complaining, though. It was a beautiful ~~dusting~~ storm to watch, and it meant Shawn got to hang around the house a little longer that morning. As I look outside this morning, the thought of snow is the furthest thing from my mind. The flowers are a-bloomin' and the birds are a-chirpin'. Welcome to Texas, dear Spring. It sure is nice to ya!

peace cometh after a run

2011-03-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

I know that Biblically, peace comes in the morning (with God's always unfailing new mercies), but a lot of the time for me - peace comes after a good run. Our doctor told us to put Cohen on formula Thursday morning, and I set out for a run of 4.5 miles on Friday morning. I do a lot of thinking when I run and for whatever reason, seem to have more clarity than any other time I have.

In the first mile of my run, I found myself trying to figure out a way to keep nursing Cohen. After pumping while Cohen gets his bottles, I know that he just wasn't getting enough milk. I want to wait to talk to the doctor this week to make a final conclusion, but I think the problem is a milk supply issue not a calorie issue. I tried to think of everything I could do to increase my milk supply, but then realized that I was already doing all of them. I drink a ridiculous amount of water, eat oatmeal almost every morning, drink milk boosting tea, upped my calories with healthy fats, and have been taking Fenugreek four times a day since I went through that stretch of sickness a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that the supply I have right now is my boosted supply. If I weren't doing all those things, I would have even less milk.

Somewhere around the second mile of my run, I began to get angry at myself. I wondered if it's my fault for trying to lose weight and exercise. I wondered if the stress of moving took a hit out of my supply from which I couldn't recover, or if being sick for so long caused my supply to just slowly diminish. I struggled with thoughts of feeling like I'm giving up and that if breast feeding were really important to me that I would hook myself up to my pump every hour and a half and pump until my supply was adequate again. Or maybe there's just something wrong with me that I'm just not capable of breast feeding past six months.

At about mile three, I found myself letting go of and mourning my breast feeding experience. I came to the realization that the only supply boosting efforts I hadn't tried were to get a prescription to boost my supply (which I did do when we went through this same thing with Jude. Because of that, I know that the prescription actually doesn't help nearly as much as Fenugreek - hence why I was already taking quite a bit of Fenugreek), or to pump every hour or two (which is just not realistic with a toddler, a small business, and a house to take care of). And to be honest, I don't know that I can ever go back to not being able to measure how much milk Cohen is getting. I have no doubt that it would stress me out and worry me to no end to not be able to control the ounces he's receiving. After realizing that breast feeding is over for us, I allowed myself to fondly remember nursing Cohen. I remembered nursing him moments after he'd been born and marveling at how beautiful he was. I remembered nursing him with Jude cuddling up next to me on the couch and feeling like my heart would burst with happiness. I remembered our middle of the night nursings where it seemed like he and I were the only ones who existed in the world as I sang and prayed over him. I remembered our last nursing session right before we left for the doctor on Thursday, and all the fears I was feeling. I let myself feel sadness that things didn't go as I had planned and that I needed to say good-bye to breast feeding.

It took me four miles of running to remember that I had been pumping every day since Cohen was six weeks old (I said running helped me think clearly...not quickly). It suddenly dawned on me that if the issue was lack of supply and not quality of supply that I had an entire chest freezer of milk for Cohen! I don't have an accurate measure of how much I have, but I think it's enough to give him breast milk for a month or two! I realized that Cohen could get breast milk and I could eat dairy! My running pace picked up slightly as I realized how different my life would be without breast feeding.

I got pregnant with Jude in February of 2008. I nursed him until he was 9 months old. I got pregnant with Cohen in November of 2009- when Jude was 1 year old. In case math isn't your strong suite, let me spell it out for ya. I have been pregnant or nursing for four years straight (minus the three months between weaning Jude and getting pregnant). Don't get me wrong, I've loved it. But my body has been on loan for as long it takes to get a college degree. I realized that if I wasn't thirsty, I didn't have to drink water! I could eat dairy - all kinds! I could have two cups of (fully caffeinated!) coffee in the morning and then get a latte in the afternoon if I wanted! I could excercise and cut calories! Alcohol isn't my thing, but I could drink alcohol! I could just toss a bottle in the diaper bag and not give a thought to where would be a good place to breast feed! After I was able to let go of the pressure and guilt, I found myself rejoicing in what it would look like to have ownership of my body again.

If a four mile run can help me sort through all of those ridiculously mixed emotions, I have a feeling that running a marathon could help me solve world hunger and cause world peace.

I spent the last half mile of my run thinking less about breast feeding and more along the lines of, "Just make it to that tree. Just run to that house up ahead. Just keep breathing. Just keep running, just keep running, just keep running."

I know that I have done my best to give Cohen was I believe is best for him. I can already see my supply diminishing even further, but I will continue to pump as I can and add to my freezer stash until I have no milk left. I do believe though, that letting go of breast feeding - while heartbreaking - is the best thing for our family. And with that, my mind is at peace and my heart is at rest.

a letter to cohen

2011-03-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Cohen,

I'm refusing to believe that you are 7 months old today because that's just crazy. It seems like you are already heading entirely too quickly towards toddlerhood, and even though I love watching you grow and learning more about your personality, I'm spending my time reveling in your cuddles, first laughs, and sweet baby feet.

You've been very busy this month, sweet love! You began this month barely rolling over, but now if I lay you down and turn around, you've usually rolled over in the seconds in between. Quite the aficionado, I'd say. With that, you're much happier during tummy time now and are working on getting to toys that you see. You're not getting your knees up under you quite yet, but you're doing a heck of a lot of wiggling and scooching that is just downright adorable to watch. Cohen, you've also begun sleeping through the night this month, and I'd say not a moment too soon. Mommy and Daddy are much better Mommies and Daddies when they've gotten a full night's rest, so really - we all benefit from this new development.

Within the past few days you've been working on saying, "Mama" and perfected my name just yesterday! You seem to be directing it towards me, which leads me to believe that you're actually saying my name. Hearing that is one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard, love. Your tiny voice is just a touch raspy and filled with all the love my heart can stand. I can't wait to hear you say more things like, "Dada," and "Jude!"

You continue to love solid food with every fiber of your 13 lb. being, and you especially love to feed yourself those little puffs. I always think you've done awesome about getting them to your mouth, but when I take you out of your highchair, I see that like ten of them are stuck to your legs. You're a tricky one, son. You also got two teeth this month! They're cute front teeth on your bottom row. If ever there were two adorable teeth, I'd say you've got them, Cohen!

Perhaps one of the more significant changes in your life is that you've been getting bottles of formula as opposed to being breast fed. You were not a fan of your first bottle and looked at me with a scrunched up face as if to say, "What the heck are you feeding me?!" I've heard that breast milk is super sweet, so I'm certain the different taste was a shock. We kept at it though, and you now take the bottles just great, even holding it yourself sometimes! As you've been taking your bottles, I've been pumping and have quickly realized that I just haven't had enough milk to fully nourish you. Most likely, you've only been getting about 18 oz. a day, which is much less than you need to grow and develop. Cohen, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you weren't getting enough milk, and I'm so, so sorry to have ever left you hungry. I don't know that I can express how much it breaks my heart to know that you haven't been nourished as you should, and I promise that it won't happen again. I feel blessed that I do have a large supply of frozen milk that we'll be breaking into as soon as we get the doctor's OK, so you should be receiving breast milk until you are 8 or 9 months old.

Your smile and laugh are only growing - both in size and in infectiousness- as you grow older. You like to squeal to get Daddy's attention and then spaz in joy when he smiles back. Our family spent some time walking around Grapevine yesterday, and it was a little windy outside. I kept trying to shield your face from the wind, but quickly realized that you actually enjoyed the gusts. Each time a strong gust swept across your face, you sucked in air and then squealed with absolute delight! It was so loud people around us turned around to see who the ridiculously adorable happy baby was.

Cohen, we love you. As incredible as it seems, we love you more each day that we know you. Your sweet life is such a blessing to our family, and we count ourselves so privileged with the responsibility to steward your life. Our prayer is that you would know, love, and serve God and that we do whatever we can to show you His love through our parenting. Happy 7 months, Cohen. We love you so much more than you know.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

failure to thrive

2011-03-10T13:35:00.001-08:00

I was changing Cohen's diaper when I noticed it. Since he was born, Cohen has had the most delicious fat rolls in his thighs. Fat rolls that I may or may not pinch on occasion. But as I was changing his diaper, I noticed that the fat rolls had almost completely disappeared. When I looked up at his armpits, I noticed that the rolls of fat had been transformed to mostly loose skin there, too. Having gone through infant weight loss with Jude, I knew this was not a good sign. My heart further sank when I put a medium cloth diaper on him that was huge, and my fears were only confirmed when I pulled out a size 3 months onesie that fit him just fine (Cohen is almost 7 months).

I called my BFF and Shawn to talk through my fears and make sure I wasn't just overreacting, and then called to move Cohen's weight check up a few weeks. I watched as the nurse laid my sweet son on the doctor's scale, and saw that he weighed 13 lbs even. He had lost weight.

Our usually light hearted pediatrician came into the room, and with a very serious tone said, "We need to take some serious measures to find out why your little guy isn't gaining weight." After talking through our typical routine and asking me some questions, he deduced that Cohen's weight issues are being caused by one of three things: 1. Cohen has a metabolic disorder 2. Cohen's reflux is worse than we thought and he's spitting up more than we realize, or 3. My breastmilk has significantly fewer calories per ounce than is normal. Dr. Scott felt like the issue was most likely a breastmilk calorie issue and requested that we feed Cohen formula for a week to see how his weight changes. I mentioned that I have a freezer full of milk, but the doctor felt that he wanted to put Cohen on a "known carbohydrate source" to see how he does. If the issue is not enough calories in my breast milk, giving him more of my breast milk won't really solve the problem. We'll do a weight check in a week to see what further actions need to be taken.

Surprisingly, I was very calm and logical up until this point. I went into the appointment telling myself to put my personal pride and feelings aside and to be willing to do whatever I needed to do to take care of Cohen. I was busying my mind with calculating how many ounces he'd need to take a week and how many bottles we needed to try and give him and wasn't allowing thoughts of self deprecation to even take root.

Until I watched as the doctor scrawled, "Failure to Thrive" under Cohen's diagnosis.

Unfortunately, this is a diagnosis that I know all to well. Even though this is something we've been through before, the words still twisted my heart up in a knot. Perhaps even more so, because the constant in both situations is me. My breast milk and my ability to nourish.

To know that my breast feeding relationship with Cohen is likely coming to a close is both devastating and exhilarating. To wallow in self pity and blame myself isn't doing anyone any good though, especially not Cohen. The bottom line is that it's my job to help Cohen thrive. Whatever it takes. And so, that's just what I'll do.

randoms

2011-03-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

1. Jude and Shawn were given tickets to see Sesame Street Live with his friends Eden, London, Ledger, and their Dads. We thought Jude would be really excited since he's in an Elmo and Cookie Monster phase right now (naturally, he doesn't actually like the cookies. just the monster who enjoys a good cookie binge every now and again). Shawn said he remained true to his nickname of Jude the Unimpressed and just watched quietly. Shawn also said that Jude was too small to keep his seat from folding him up inside, so Shawn had to keep his knee on the end of the seat or else he'd look over and see Jude halfway swallowed up.

2. Jude and I were playing with his bath crayons during bath time the other night, and I told him I was going to write his name on the side of the tub. "J..." I said as I wrote a lovely J.

"U..." Jude responded.

"That's right bud," I said. "What's next?"

"D.....E.....L....."

So first of all - does my 2 year old really know how to spell his name?! Secondly, does he really think his name is Judel? 'Cause we should probably work on that.

3. I ran for four miles the other day. I probably could've run for 4.5, but I saw a sign that read "Coyote sighted nearby" that caused me to turn the other direction and pick up my pace significantly thereby wearing myself out for any future mileage.

4. Shawn and I got the chance to see Hillsong United in concert (sort of. i always think it's weird to talk about a worship experience as a concert) last night. That's right, Shawn got to see Elmo AND Hillsong United in one day. There's no topping that.

5. Cohen officially has two little sharp teeth on the bottom front of his mouth. Oh yeah, and he's officially adorable:

i don't really like newborns

2011-03-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

Subtitled: When are you going to have another baby?

In a recent study conducted by Maurer and Associates, it has been unequivocally proven with very technical and important sounding scientific data that the subject (one Jennifer S. Maurer) enjoys the newborn baby process exactly 92.7% less than when the baby is approximately six months and older. Our data was collected over a 2.5 year period using two minor subjects (Jude C. and Cohen B.). The study took into account the accumulating affects of lack of sleep, the labor recovery process, the wonky hormones, the breastfeeding pain, and the singular constant use of only one hand at a time because the newborn is always in the other arm (we observed many mornings of our test subject attempting to make coffee, do dishes, and fold laundry with one hand and determined it to be quite ridiculous looking). We likewise took into account the newborn baby smell, the way a newborn collapses on the subject's chest, and the tiny newborn baby cries. In sum, while the subject does enjoy a good newborn snuggle it would appear that she enjoys motherhood 92.7% more after six months.

I mean really, you can't argue with statistics like that, can you? So something happened right about the time Cohen started nearing his six month birthday. Even though PPD hasn't been the struggle it was last time, it was as if a fog started to lift off of my world. It's not like I was getting any more sleep or that much else had changed. I think (for me, at least) it just takes six months for the "newborn baby fog" to lift. Don't misunderstand - I really do love newborns. And of course, I love my children regardless of how they old are, how helpless they are, how much they cry, or how little they sleep. I do love many things about how tiny and sweet newborn babies are - I just don't really like them all that much.

When I see a mother with a newborn baby, I do not melt into a puddle of "I want annnnnoooother one. Can I just smell him? Please, Shawn, do you think we could have more?" Maybe this means I'm not fit for motherhood, but my thoughts are more along the lines of, "Oh that poor woman. She must be exhausted. Hang in there sweet lady, you'll sleep again one day, I promise." Something in me changed when both Jude and Cohen hit six months, and I happen to like it.

Do you think there's any chance I could talk to God about giving birth to a six month old who sleeps through the night next time around? 'Cause that may just make me reconsider my current "two is enough" policy.

No, you say? I guess I'll just have to settle for snuggling and sniffing other people's newborns, and being more than happy to hand the baby right back to the very ~~exhausted~~ happy parents.

cute words

2011-02-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Jude is just a-talkin' up a storm lately, and I really want to make sure I document the adorable way he says things (and sees the world) lately. I wish I could capture them all on video, but his inner disdain of the paparazzi seems to come out anytime I try.

-Jude has recently discovered a fondness for his nickname, "Judeabug." In fact, when friends say, "Hi Jude!" to him, he matter of factly replies, "No." Then he points to his stomach and informs, "Zoo-Bug."

-Shawn once referred to one of Jude's race cars as a cool car, and now every. single. car. in the house is a "coo car!"

-Jude usually refers to Cohen as "Baby," or occasionally, "Co Co." If we press him on it, he tries really hard to say Cohen's name, though it comes out as, "Ca-nah."

-I sing a song to Jude that includes the lyrics, "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you," and then we name people we love that God can do anything for. Jude has learned to name Mommy, Daddy, Zoo-Bug, Baby, his friends Edy (Eden), Lon-non (London), and Lezz-eh (Ledger). When I ask, "Who else, Jude?" he very often answers, "A pillow! Plane! A beeeg truck!" Yes, it's true. There's nothing that God cannot do for that pillow.

-As the weather warms up down here, I put flip-flops on Jude the other day and told him that he would be wearing flip-flops just like his Daddy. Jude excitedly exclaimed, "A fwop! A Daddy! A fwop!" Later on, when he grew tired of his flip-flops, he told me, "No fwop."

-Last week Jude, Cohen, and I were playing in the backyard. Jude looooves himself some rocks, so he was happily digging for rocks while I pushed Cohen in his swing. All of a sudden, I heard Jude's panicked cry, and when I rushed to him realized that his hands were covered in about fifteen little ants. I quickly brushed them off, getting a couple on myself in the process. Turns out these ants bite (they weren't fire ants, though), and they did in fact hurt. Jude quickly grew little white spots on his hands where the ants had bitten him, and even now he has several little dots that are healing still. When we went back out the next day, I told Jude to make sure he was careful about not touching the ants. Jude walked up to about two feet away from the spot where the offending ants had bitten him, very seriously pointed to the spot, and said, "NO ants! A-ants HUWT! No huwt ants!"

He sure told them.

weighty issues

2011-02-19T07:31:00.000-08:00

Cohen had his six month check up yesterday, and we found out that he's thirteen lbs and some change. The good news is that he's in the fifth percentile for height AND weight, so it's probable that he's just small. The bad news is that he hasn't gained much weight since his last appointment at four months, so we need to take precautions to make sure he doesn't drop off the curve. After the doctor asked me how many times Cohen was eating a day (5-6 times), he asked me about my diet. I told him that I was cutting calories and exercising to try and lose baby weight, but that I was also trying to make sure I was taking in enough calories so my milk supply stayed strong (on days I don't work out, I eat about 1800 calories a day). Our doctor believes that my milk may just not be fatty (or calorically dense) enough. He advised that I try to take in more calories.

I asked if I should go back to feeding Cohen at night, and he seemed to think that Cohen needed to sleep through the night and should be able to get more than enough milk during the day.

Given everything that we went through with Jude, my heart sank when I saw that he weighed a mere 13 lbs at six months old. I wondered if there's something wrong with my body that just won't allow me to nourish a child past six months.

And then, because I strive to be pretty transparent, I have to admit that I've given serious thought to just ending breastfeeding. I had just started having success in losing weight when I'm told I need to add calories and apparently either stop losing weight or lose it significantly more slowly. My body has not been my own for almost four years now, and I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I'm not giving an accurate representation of who I am, and I want to wear a sign that says, "I promise. I'm actually a very disciplined and health-conscious person. This is not who I am." On a practical level, none of my clothes (except for my maternity clothes) fit. I have a closet full of clothes that I love and carefully chose and cannot wear. I also have a feeling that the boys and I will spending lots of time poolside and at water parks this summer, and I'd really rather enjoy it than to spend my moments painfully self-conscious. Selfish and vain, I'm aware.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet though, so I'm asking around and researching ways that I can boost my calories, fatten up my baby, and still lose baby weight. If you happen to have experience with this or advice to share, I'd love to hear it. Weight Watchers isn't really an option for me because 1)I don't want to spend money, and 2)I don't want to learn the points system. I do know they have a specialized program for breastfeeding though, so maybe I shouldn't write if off. And if your advice includes anything similar to, "I don't know, I lost thirty pounds in three weeks with breastfeeding and just couldn't keep the weight on," just know that I may punch you. Just sayin'.

exciting stuff in the life of the maurers

2011-02-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

Of course by "exciting," I mean not terribly interesting stuff. I'm working really hard at getting over forty diapers sewn and stocked, so finding time to sew is kind of consuming my days right now.

After being in Texas for about ten weeks, I think we're finally feeling like we've settled in. I ventured out with both boys on my own yesterday to find a Joann Fabrics. Naturally, I got terribly lost, but I made it there by myself nonetheless. We're pretty close to a relatively complicated highway system and it makes me want to pee my pants. I really only know the stores that exist between our home and the church, so exploring outside of that (especially in an exploration that ended up with me accidentally getting on said scary highway system) is a big deal. I made it there AND back in time for Cohen's next feeding. Pretty impressive stuff.

I think part of the reason we're starting to feel more settled is because our house is due to close tomorrow. I haven't mentioned it here on the blog because Shawn and I were a little afraid to get our hopes up in case something didn't go through. I think it's still a little surreal to both of us, but it's looking like everything is actually going smoothly. The house was actually only on the market for six weeks (which included Christmas and New Year's) before we were able to put it under contract! Six weeks! Ashley Lay is one incredible realtor, and seeing God taking care of one thing after the other only confirms to us that this is His will.

I made calls on Monday to turn off the electricity and water tomorrow, and felt a sense of finality in doing so. Getting the house sold is the last major stressor of moving on our shoulders. Being able to wash our hands of it makes me feel like I can take a deep breath and just be here. There's no doubt that there are so many ties we still have to Winston-Salem, but it's a nice feeling to know that those ties are people and relationships instead of stress.

Our lease for our house here in Texas is a year long lease that would end next December, so we're not in a rush to start looking to jump into home ownership right away. We love owning a home of course, but after doing so much work to get our house ready for the market, it's nice to take a break from home repair and maintenance. What's that? There's a storm brewing that might cause huge branches to fall down and crush the roof? As long as none of my kids or husband are underneath said branch, I don't have a care in the world. It's nice to not have to remember when the air filters were last changed or find time to take care of the yard work.

Beyond that, the Maurers are all doing well. I ran 3.2 miles the other day (at a painfully slow pace, so please don't be impressed) and will soon sign up for a Dallas 5K in April. I've also lost 10lbs, so I now only have 30 more to go (said with sarcasm, because 30lbs is still daunting). Cohen is still not sleeping through the night, but continues to charm me with that smile. Jude is getting smarter by the day (his teachers were really impressed by how far ahead of the learning curve he is), and seems to only be growing in affection towards Cohen. Shawn is working hard and is excited about good things going on in the ministry here at Compass. The time away at the conference was really a great chance for him to sit with his fellow ministers and talk about vision and plans. Vision in ministry is something that just sets Shawn's heart on fire, so he's looking forward to seeing God's hand in their plans.

I hate to end this abruptly, but sewing calls! I pray your day is a blessed one!

a letter to cohen

2011-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Cohen,

Sweetness, you turned six months old yesterday! You're such a precious kiddo, and I'm so blessed that God's allowed us to cuddle you, kiss you, and steward your young life. Quite frankly Cohen, you're adorable and joy to be around!

So let's talk a little bit about what you've been up to lately, shall we? You get your official weigh in on Friday, but our home scale says that you weigh between 15-16 lbs, which is just about perfect. You've been nursing great, and you've also been getting 2 oz. of food at dinner time. Just yesterday, I started giving you 2 oz at lunch time as well. You really love to eat solid food, although you kind of sabotage my efforts at feeding you by trying to put your fist in your mouth after each bite, thereby squishing out much of your food. You crack me up when you watch Daddy and I eat. Cohen, you stare longingly at the food on our plates and watch with mouth open (sometimes even drooling) as we take each bite. I keep trying to tell you that you're not quite ready for Daddy's pizza yet, but you apparently don't care.

I've noticed recently how distinctly interactive you are. You really like to study faces and are imitating more than most kids your age. You squeal with delight when I bring my face close to yours, and you love putting your hands on my face and drawing me to you. I know this intuitive desire to interact is a character trait that God has given you, and I can't wait to see how He uses it in your life. My current favorite activity is to smother your neck and cheek with kisses, I love it! Sometimes you giggle and squeal, but most of the time you just smile with contentment.

Daddy says that I've been claiming you're on the verge of teething for months, but I figure I'll be right at some point. Nonetheless, I have noticed two little white spots where your bottom front teeth will soon be. I check every day to see if they've broken through, but for now they're just remaining two spots.

I had about a two week run that you sort of looked like you might have some of me in you, but you are 100% your Daddy's kid now. You have long fingers and toes like Daddy and you even have lots of lines on your hands like Daddy. Your skin tone has hints of olive color, and you even make many of the same facial expressions. Your Dad is the most handsome man I've ever met, so I believe these similarities to be the highest compliment.

You seem bent on outdoing your brother's sleeping through the night record and are still waking up a few times. I can tell you that it's now official. You have indeed taken longer to sleep through the night than your brother did. You may now proceed to sleep, resting in the fact that you've outdone him.

Speaking of Jude, you two are just crazy about each other. You like to reach out and rest your hand on his shoulder. He's not a big fan of when you try to pick his nose or rip out his eyeball, but I trust you'll soon figure out that's not really acceptable. Jude cracks you up when he gets to the "we all fall down" part of Ring Around the Rosie, and you're just fascinated by pretty much everything he does. Cohen, I want you to know that Jude loves you so much. He very much wants you to be proud of him, and his face lights up when he realizes that he's made you happy.

In general, you're such an easy going, happy kiddo, and I'm honored to be your Mom! I love you more than I ever thought possible, and that love seems to amazingly grow with each day. You've been such a delicious delight to love for six months now, and sweet love, it's our honor and joy to continue loving you with every fiber of our beings for as long as God allows. Cohen, you are loved and adored so much more than you know.

Love,

MommyDaddy

*Photos are taken by the amazing Jenn Lewis of Photographic Memories

a boring post

2011-02-10T08:06:00.001-08:00

You and I both know that you only come here for pictures and stories of the cutest boys south of the Mason Dixon line. I'm sorry to disappoint this time, but I've been kind of a photo taking slacker lately. Instead, I just thought I'd share random bits of Maurer news and thoughts with you.

1. Blogging about Cohen sleeping through the night did indeed jinx me. He's doing better than he was before Baby Boot Camp, but he's still waking up two or three times at night. As I'm holding him in my arms to rock him, I've learned that I can't make eye contact with him. If I do, the little stinker starts cooing, smiling, and talking to me. Before I know it, I'm having to hold myself back from giving him tickle-y kisses at 4:00 in the morning.

2. Shawn is home safe and sound. He really enjoyed the conference and brought me back some scarves. That boy knows me well.

3. Now that Shawn's home again, I can resume running, and I'm really excited by that. I had been doing a Latin Dance DVD to get in my exercise everyday, but it was just embarrassing to all parties involved. This white girl can handle line dancing, and that's just about it. The funny thing is, I thought I was doing really well with the dance moves. Until I did them in the mirror. I look like the drunk cousin at the wedding who thinks what she's doing is sexy and is therefore dancing her little heart out. Nobody needs to see that.

4. Nursing Cohen is still going really well. It'll be six months of being exclusively breast fed soon, and I couldn't be more proud. I was already supplementing at this point with Jude, so I'm relieved that despite being sick for so long, I've been able to keep my milk supply steady (with the help of Fenugreek and a lot of lactation cookies). I'm counting down the months until I can wean him, but I'm planning on either nursing him until he's a year old or pumping enough that I can wean him early. Every fiber of my being misses cheese.

5. Jude had his first little Valentine's Day party at school today. I let him pick out what valentines he wanted to give his classmates, and he chose the Toy Story valentines which included a temporary tattoo. Personally, I liked the monkey valentines with the banana silly bands, but since Jude was screaming at the top of his lungs for the previous fifteen minutes that we'd spent in Target and people were looking at me like I should put duct tape over his mouth, I wasn't able to try and fight that battle. We had a lot of fun opening the valentines from his friends and he's spent quite a bit of time playing with the mylar heart balloon he received from his teacher.

6. I give you my word that I'll try to take more photos. I gots myself some cute kids, and it seems cruel to deprive the world of said cuteness. Hopefully there will be more photo laden posts coming your way soon!

on the homefront

2011-02-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

Shawn: Shawn is in California for a conference at the moment. I hope the irony of the fact that the Steelers made the Superbowl in Dallas and Shawn flew out mere hours before the game is not lost on you. He had planned on going straight to the hotel to watch the game, but the guys ended up getting stuck on the tarmack for two hours. That's right. Poor guy missed the entire thing.

On a more fun note, Shawn got to be in the audience for a taping of The Price Is Right. I was really hoping he'd come home with a new washer and dryer or a lifetime supply of beef jerky or something, but none of the guys ended up getting called on stage. My prayer is that God will use the time away from family and work to renew and refresh Shawn. We miss him, but I'm excited to hear how God speaks to him this week.

Jen: Despite the fact that I have a rough cold (that's six straight weeks of being sick withsomething, in case you're keeping track), I'm actually doing really well. My time as a "single parent" has gone wonderfully smoothly, and I'm enjoying the extra time with my boys. I'm staying busy with Serwa Chic, but the nice thing about Shawn being gone is I can spend my evenings (after the boys go down) busting out some sewing, filing, emailing, and networking. It's nice to feel a little more caught up. My latest run was a 28 minute run that involved a lot of dodging patches of ice. I've only lost five pounds so far, but am trying to remember that as long as I'm nursing, I need to take weight loss slowly.

Jude: Our usually light eater suddenly turned into a (tiny) little piggie lately, so I think he hit a growth spurt. His pants are starting to actually fit - even without a cloth diaper - and he's now able to reach things he previously couldn't. Jude's continued exploding in his language lately, and I'm loving this new level of communication. We're hearing a lot of the word "No," lately (or actually, he says, "Mope."), so I'm praying for wisdom in handling these mini tantrums. There's no doubt he has some strong opinions, and I'm certain I have no idea where he'd get that from.

Cohen: Cohen has his six month appointment in about a week, but our scale this morning said that he weighed just under 16lbs! Given all the weight issues we had with Jude at his point, I was relieved to see that he seems to be gaining weight well. While Shawn is gone, I decided that it's time for Baby Boot Camp. Cohen has still been waking up four or five times a night, and I think that's just crazy. So during nap times Sunday and night time Sunday night, I let Cohen cry for fifteen minutes before soothing him. I expected it to take about three nights to see improvements (about how long it tended to take for Jude), but was shocked when Cohen slept from 9:30pm-7:00am last night!

I'm fully aware that because I blogged about it the next several nights will be torturous, by the way.

Cohen is also really close to sitting up by himself and continues to flash his charming smile to anyone who will make eye contact with him. He definitely knows who Jude is and he loves to reach out to him. After I pick Jude up from preschool, his first order of business is to crouch down to say "hello" to Cohen in his car seat. Jude practically climbs into the car seat with him, almost fully laying his body on top of Cohen, and tells Cohen about his day. "Baby, Baby. I paint? I paint, Baby." Cohen is always sufficiently impressed and excited to see his big brother.

If you're from the North, then I hope you're staying indoors with some hot chocolate or tea. If you're from North Carolina, then I hope you're enjoying your break from the snow and getting some time outside. If you're from Dallas, then I hope you stocked up on bread and water in preparation for our next round of snow tomorrow! Regardless of where you're from, I hope you're having a fantastic week and are staying warm!

the playdate crashers

2011-02-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

Is it silly that it makes me feel important that I was asked to be a guest on a Mommy podcast? Even if the podcasters are friends from college? Well, silly or not - I was flattered to be asked by Jaime and Krista to guest interview on their Playdate Crashers Podcast. I started listening to their podcast because I thought it'd be fun to see what my friends were up to, but have been excited that it's genuinely well done, witty, and insightful. I love that it feels like I'm just chatting with friends over coffee while our kids play (hence, the Playdate Crashers name), and I'm almost always jotting down some website or other resource they share.

They're doing a really great series right now about working Moms, and asked me to share about my experiences as a WAHM. Of course, I feel entirely unqualified to be giving tips about how to balance everything. After debating though, I realized that my kids are still alive, so I must be doing something right. Right? Hmmmm.

So if you just so happen to miss my smooth, sultry (cold-ridden) voice or have just wondered what all this WAHM business is about, please give it a listen. Then listen to all the podcasts before, because I promise you're missing out if you don't. CLICK HERE for my guest interview with the Playdate Crashers!

And then because I was still feeling particularly chatty, I wrote a blog post to further explain my keeping-children-alive-while-running-a-business techniques. CLICK HERE to read the blog post.

And finally, Serwa Chic is giving away a super cute Long Sleeve Bib through The Playdate Crashers! Entering is really easy, and there are up to five different ways to enter. Our Long Sleeve Bibs are perfect for babies and toddlers, and make excellent gifts, too! Enter today to win!

not-so-old school sunday

2011-01-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

I certainly would've posted these sooner, but you know...moving to Texas and all. These are photos taken by the amazing photographer Jenn Lewis of Cohen's baby shower. If you're wondering if looking through these photos makes me miss people, you don't know the half of it.

Angie and Paige, listening to my apparently fascinating story telling:

Erica, one of my "Girls' Night" girls:

Patrice. Who may or may not have cried. Of course, I wouldn't embarrass her by publicly outing that fact.

Patrice and Lindsey. If I could reach through a computer and give a huge hug, I would.

...and ditto:
Sweet Beth and Jill:

Opening presents!

Little did we know this simple sock money would soon be Jude's best Mee-Hee:

Have you ever seen sweeter or more beautiful people? That night was such a fun evening for me. Beyond the fact that I got presents (always a bonus to any gathering), I felt like I was being blessed to just hang out with some of my closest friends. It was incredible to watch my friends rejoicing in that pregnancy right alongside with me, and to know that they loved Cohen before he was even born. That's quite the baby shower, isn't it?

we'll never be

2011-01-28T06:31:00.001-08:00

We'll never be well. Ever again. Or at least that's what it feels like. The boys and I have been sick with very little break since New Year's Day. A bad cold that turned into a sinus infection for me, a light stomach bug, and then another cold/sinus infection. And to top everything off, it looks like we're all riddled with the flu (despite the fact that the three eldest Maurers got the flu shot and my love affair with hand sanitizer). Being sick is getting old. It means we can't go hang out with people. It means I'm worried about my milk supply. It means our boys are whining pretty much all the time. I can't blame them, though. With how we're all feeling, I'd be whining all the time if I could.

So that would be why my posting has been pretty sparse, it's been all I can do to take care of my sickies, keep the household running, and not get behind at Serwa Chic.

I do want to share with you though, that despite the inevitable chronic illness of the season, we're all doing great. Jude is doing great at school! My favorite part is when we drive home afterwards and he tells me all about his day. It's funny the things that stand out to him when I ask him what he did at school. A few of his favorite things about which he tells me: "I sit!" "Bubbles!" "Nap mat." "Choo-Choo!" "A ball?" "Outside!" Once we get home I unpack his backpack, which always has a craft that he did that day. I like to make a big production out of pulling it out of his folder and saying, "You did this? Did you do this at school today?" I can literally see Jude's little heart filling up as he realizes that I'm proud of him. He scoots next to me on the floor and tells me all about his project. I always tell him how proud I am of him, and yesterday he said, "You pwoud? Mommy, you pwoud?" He doesn't even know the half of it. Then he and I make a big production of showing the project to Cohen and putting it on the refrigerator.

Jude was already making some huge strides in counting (he can count to ten with consistency), letters (he knows them all, and we're working on the sound that each makes), colors (he knows four or five), and shapes (he knows the basic ones), so I feel like preschool is doing a great job of reinforcing those things. The biggest difference I've noticed is in how much Jude is talking. Or I should say how many new words and phrases he's willing to try. He's now very often repeating things we say or things he hears others say. Sometimes as I'm changing Jude's diaper in the mornings, I sing "Oh Happy Day," to him - The Sister Act version of course. He's started "singing" the repeated parts to me, which sounds something like this:

Me: "Oh happy day..."

Jude: "Oh hap dayyyyy!"

Me: "Oh happy day..."

Jude: "OH HAP DAYYYY!"

Me: "When Jesus washed..."

Jude: "Jeeeessss vaaaashh"

Me: "When Jesus washed..."

Jude: "JEEEEES VAAAAASH!"

Me: "Washed my sins away..."

Jude: "vash waaaaaaay"

One of my favorite things is when he's feeling particularly cantankerous and I begin to sing. He answers, "No hap day, Mommy! NO HAP DAY!"

And on that note, I certainly hope your day is a hap one!

Upcoming Giveaway!

2011-01-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

I had the honor of being interviewed recently for a super fun podcast. The Playdate Crashers are doing a series on Moms and working, and I was so glad to share my experiences as a WAHM (work at home mom). In conjunction with the podcast, I'll have a guest blog up in a week, AND I'll be giving away this sage Ooga Booga Long Sleeve Bib!

Keep an eye on their website for information on how to enter!

friday cuteness

2011-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday! To kick off your weekend, I thought you might enjoy a particularly adorable video of my boys watching some trains at Christmastime.

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

my girls

2011-01-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

The night before the boys and I left Winston-Salem, I invited my small group girls over to hang out in our home one final time. Shawn had already left with all of our belongings save a suitcase, and beyond not looking forward to spending the night by myself in an empty house, I also wanted a chance to let "my girls" know how much I love and appreciate them. From the moment we told the students that we would moving, I kept telling my girls that we weren't going to dwell on the sad because it wasn't time to say goodbye yet.

Even though it was a Tuesday (i.e. a school) night, I was beyond grateful that the girls' parents allowed them to come over and even spend the night. We ordered pizza, talked, laughed, remembered, and tried to pop popcorn with our cell phones. What? You've never tried it?

I've been putting off blogging about missing my girls because that's truthfully been the hardest part of us leaving. The moment Shawn and I started to realize that God might seriously be calling us to Dallas, I pleaded (to God and to Shawn), "But what about my girls?"

I wish I had taken more photos and videos of that night, but I'm so grateful for the memory of it. I remember that Kayla brought a bean bag because she knew we didn't have any furniture, but that nobody used it because we were all just comfortable spreading out on the floor. I remember talking to Hannah and Caity about what on earth they were going to get their boyfriends for Christmas. I remember Alex doing the cookie trick for us and each of us trying the same. Of course, I remember Sara telling us that she read you can pop popcorn with a circle of cell phones. I remember talking to Alex about Jeremy and watching clips online with her. I remember the girls fighting over who got to hold Cohen, joking about giving him their food, and watching him light up at their smiles.

I remember talking about what their futures were going to look like - who was going to get married first and what their weddings would look like. I remember watching Kayla leave on Tuesday night and fighting back tears. She had walked down that sidewalk into that driveway a hundred times, and my heart broke as I realized it'd be her last. I remember Hannah waking me up at 6:00 in the morning before she headed to school. I hugged her tightly, and my 6:00am brain just couldn't put words to how much I was going to miss her. I peeked out the blinds as she left to make sure she was safe and I prayed for her protection, for God to guide her steps, and for His wisdom. I remember hugging Alex as she left and fighting back tears. I remember Brittany and Sara being the last two to leave because they didn't have to be to school until later. I remember that they lingered awhile - not wanting to say goodbye. And even though I'd held it together as I said goodbye to each girl in turn, I couldn't stop myself from sobbing. The three of us hugged, and Brittany told me that it would be okay. She told me that Texas was going to be awesome, and that Shawn would be waiting for me at the airport. She told me that he was going to kiss me, and that it'd be gross.

I want so badly to pack those girls up in a suitcase and bring them with me. We've texted, called, and Skyped, but it's not the same as a wordless hug. I know they're each going through so much right now, and it literally hurts me to not be there.

I miss them.

jude goes to preschool

2011-01-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

Preschool has been an unequivocal success for Jude! He absolutely loves it, and the teachers continue to tell me that he obeys well and gets along with the other kiddos great. Jude was very excited about this choo-choo back pack! When I told him I wanted to take a photo of him on his first day of school, he immediately turned around so that I could get a picture of his back pack:

But what I wanted of course, was a photo of those sweet cheeks:

This is Jude's nap mat. I had some anxiety about his nap mat. I wanted to make sure it was big enough because he moves a lot during his sleep. I wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be super thin compared to the other kids', and that Jude would be comfortable on it. I wanted to get one with a little built in pillow because it made me sad to think of him not taking a nap with a pillow, and I wanted to custom make the cover myself because, well...it's my way of showing Jude that I love him even when he's away from me.

We bought the nap mat from a local Christian Education store (which is one of my favorite stores I've found here. The place has tons of great learning tools. It almost made me want to homeschool. Almost.). We bought the thickest one because again I was concerned about him being comfortable, and then I picked up this fabric from Ikea. I deliberated for no less than twenty minutes about which fabric to get. My favorites were dubbed "too girly" by Shawn, but I wasn't a huge fan of their childish prints. Don't worry, I bought all of the "girly" prints I love to use for Serwa Chic nursing covers.

Then I set to work making the cover. It only took me a couple of hours and was actually fun. I sewed on ribbons onto the cover with D rings so the mat can be easily carried. When I pick up Jude from school I'm trying to carry Cohen (in his carseat), the nap mat, a blanket, Jude's back pack, and Jude. I can slide Jude's blanket into the nap mat and hook it onto my finger making it more manageable.

And naturally, after all that worrying, his nap mat is heeeuge compared to the other kids'. It actually doesn't even fit in his little cubby. The teachers put his back pack and papers in the cubby and have to set his nap mat in front of the cubbies. No matter, it's pretty sweet looking. Perhaps that's just an excuse for me to make him a new one in the fall!

Jude hanging out the morning before preschool. My favorite memory of Jude getting ready for preschool is when he runs around the house with his backpack bouncing away on his back. I thought you might enjoy that memory, too:

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

a letter to cohen

2011-01-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Cohen,

I'm certain I say this at least every other week, but I can't believe how quickly you're growing! Five months ago from today at 7:05 am, Daddy and I got to see your sweet, swollen face for the first time. Your presence in our family has been wonderful, amazing, and in a word - perfect. I love you so much more than I thought possible, sweet bear.

You've remained your smiley self and have begun perfecting your adorable little laugh. It sometimes sound like a loud gasp, and sometimes resembles your older brother's bike horn laugh. Either way, I adore it. You love to be tickled right at your rib cage, and were hilariously belly laughing at a particularly fun game of peek-a-boo with Mommy yesterday. I love watching your little shoulders scrunch up in glee when something tickles you, and I love nothing more than when that something is me.

You seem content with having perfected the art of rolling from your stomach to your back in three or four attempts, and have your heart set on crawling now. At the moment, it's a lot of grunting and digging your feet into the floor and not a whole lot of actual movement, but dang it - you're trying!

We've been giving you rice cereal for awhile now to help with the reflux, and you chow down! I'm planning on giving you your first taste of "real" food today - advacados! I'm excited to make your food for you and I'm looking forward to watching you experience different tastes and textures.

You're not really sleeping great lately, but that's been the theme for about two months now. You have spurts where you'll wake up once during the night to eat and go back to sleep well, but most of the time you're up every couple of hours. Daddy and I are taking turns taking soothing you, so we're both pretty tired right now. If you could work on that sleeping through the night thing, we'd both be super grateful.

You are officially a blonde, by the way. You still have some dark hair at the base of your neck, but everything else is purely blonde! And yes, you're still looking quite a bit like Daddy.

Some of my favorite memories of this past month are when you reach out to my face and pull it close to yours. My heart just overflows in a way I can't explain when you do that. I loved watching you take your first bite of food and the joy that comes when we feed you each night. And finally, I love bath time with you. It's my job to get you nekkid and I love your glee when I pick you up from the changing table. I hold you up by your armpits so that your face is even with mine, and you dangle and kick your legs in excitement. You smile and laugh so that the entire time I'm walking you to the bathroom, I can't take my eyes off of that sweet face.

I love you, Cohen. The more I know you, the more I love you. I cannot wait to see how you grow and what your personality looks like. Thank you, sweet boy, for being a part of our family.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

christmas part tres: the final chapter

2011-01-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'm finally able to put up the rest of our Christmas photos and videos, I'm sorry it took so long. We had such a great Christmas, and I took an abundant amount of photos and videos because it was so important to me for you to be a part of our Christmas!

Neither of us had the time or energy to cook a fancy Christmas meal this year, so we picked our "home cooked" meal at Fresh Market. What did we eat, you ask? Something called TurDuckEn. Don't judge, it's delicious.

Welcome to Texas...
After the sun went down, the four of us drove around to look at lights. This is actually something we've done since Jude was born, but this was the first year he got really excited about it. "Moe Yites!" he kept exclaiming.

And more videos! Jude and Cohen Christmas afternoon:

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

Driving around the rich neck of the woods to look at Christmas lights:

There's a beautiful area called Southlake where Shawn took me for my birthday. If you have your volume on, you can tell that Cohen was...well...not happy.

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

christmas: part deuce

2011-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

You'll have to excuse me if you've been waiting on the edge of your seat for more Christmas photos. You may now scoot back to a more comfortable seat sitting position.

Shawn was really excited about the Flip cam from his parents. I can't believe how small and easy to use it is! It fits perfectly into my purse, and we've already taken several videos (coming soon)!

And behind Shawn, you can see our Christmas present to each other. A new fancy schmancy TV and "real people" cable.

Jude opening more train tracks:

Cohen's new sound machine:

Jude patiently and sweetly helped Cohen open his presents:

Jude enjoying daddy's stocking stuffers:

A present from Jude's new preschool. It says, "That's how I roll. Compass Christian Preschool." I can't lie, that t-shirt makes me giggle.

Also, in case you were waiting with baited breath to find out how Jude's first day of preschool went, you may now unbait your breath. His teachers said he did awesome! They told us that he lined right up when he was supposed to, took a nap on his nap mat, and was perfectly obedient. They made no mention of his pants falling down or not understanding what he wanted, so I was pleased with a great report. He asked me several times yesterday to go to school, and was excited when I told him that's where he was going this morning.

What's that you say? You want more Christmas photos? You sure you can handle it? Coming soon!

hodge podge

2011-01-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

1. Happy New Year! We spent some of our evening with a few new friends and the rest (after the boys' bedtimes) at home. I made it all the way until 11:00 this year, which is really quite the accomplishment considering I'm lucky to get two chunks of four hours of sleep a night. I happen to love New Year's resolutions and am almost always able to stick to them, and Shawn happens to eschew resolutions and make fun of me for making them. In case you're wondering, Jude's New Year resolutions were: 1. To work on potty training 2. To wean from the pacifier 3. To cuddle and kiss Mommy and Daddy more 4. To stop this nonsense of taking two hours to go to sleep. Cohen's resolutions were: 1. To sleep twelve hours a night. Every night. 2. To figure out this crawling business and eventually work on walking. 3. To learn how to say, "Mommy" and "Daddy." 4. To cuddle and kiss Mommy and Daddy more.

It's true, they told me.

2. Jude began his first day of preschool today. He'll be going Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9-2 through the school year. He was ridiculously adorable wearing his Thomas backpack and holding mine and Shawn's hands on the way into the church. I'm so excited for him to get to learn in a structured, Christian environment, to interact with other kids, and to get some of that boundless energy out. I'm also of course, sad that someone else will be teaching my child, that he'll be away from me for what feels like half a week, and that I'll no longer experience pretty much everything in his life with him. I expected those feelings of sadness and knew that it's just the natural part of a child growing and gaining independence. What I didn't expect, however - was the worry that crept in.

Will he make friends? Will he behave? Will he be bullied? Will the teacher know that he wants a graham cracker when he says, "crax?" Will the teacher freak out when he lets out a guttural scream in exasperation? Will the other kids know that he wants to play rough housing when he says, "I push?" Will he nap okay? Did I pack the right thing for his lunch? Will he eat enough? Will he be able to open his lunch box? Will his pants keep falling down because they're all sized for cloth diapers?

Will he miss me? Will he miss me so much that he thinks I'm leaving him and not understand what's going on?

I'm getting ready to go pick him up here in a few minutes, so I guess I can't actually answer any of those questions yet. Since I haven't heard from the school though, I have a feeling he ran full force into the life of a preschooler and didn't look back. He probably already made little friends with his friendly, "hiiii!" and will hopefully just ignore any bullying. His teachers have worked with two year olds for a long, long time, so I'm certain they're great at deciphering, and if his pants fall down he'll pick them back up.

Still, this Mommy thing is tough. Just when you think you want to lock them outside for the day, you realize you actually never want to let them go.

3. I'm running again, and loving it. I know that's not really noteworthy, but I felt like updating you on two items just wasn't enough.

More Christmas photos coming soon. Can you handle the anticipation?

years old

2011-01-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

I used to relish the idea of growing older gracefully. I firmly believed there was no greater testimony to a life well lived than permanent marks on one's face displaying that she lived a life of laughter and smiles. To me, graying hair was evidence of wisdom gained from experience and was beautiful. I didn't particularly fear the aging process, and looked forward to the sense of self-confidence and maturity I was told would increase as my age increased.

I turned 29 years old a couple of days ago. For most of my 27th and 28th years of life, I completely forgot how old I was. When my age was discussed, I always had to ask Shawn, "Am I 27 or 28?" and usually had to count the years from 1981. So when I realized sometime in late November that I was quickly approaching my 29th birthday, I was surprised to feel some apprehension.

29.

Sure, I could acknowledge and still say that I was in my 20's, but there's no denying that 30 is right around the corner. And while 30 is - by no means - old, it's no doubt an adult. Not only am I now 29, but I'm 29 with two children and no career to speak of. My day to day is spent doing a thousand things nobody notices until I spend one day not doing it. I do hundreds of things from which I will not see results until my children are teenagers or even adults, and I'm not entirely sure I'm doing any one of those hundreds of things right. When I chose counseling as my major in college and began work at a non profit after marriage, I expected to be making a difference in the world. Instead, I now count it a good day if both boys are alive, fed, and relatively dressed (pants are optional). I did not expect to close my 20s and begin my 30s without the sense of confidence and determination that comes from knowing your work is valuable, having a boss who gives feedback (somehow, "Mommy not nice!" isn't quite the same), and seeing progress in meeting defined goals.

And then there's the fact that I'm a big, fat hypocrite. Because while I thought the idea of aging was lovely in theory, it turns out that I'm scrambling to not look like I'm getting older. I feel like I've been reminded in the preceding months that youthfulness is alluring, attractive, and irresistible. A 29 year old Mom of two worries herself with diaper rash, bill paying, coupons, libraries, milk supply, and opportunities to teach numbers. I thought I'd be thrilled to be finished with my teenage years, but I'm finding myself jealous of a teenager's ability to be youthful, naive, and carefree. I did not expect to close my 20s and begin my 30s carrying extra baby weight, still wearing maternity clothes, and doing everything I can to conceal the bags under my eyes.

For the first time in my life, I really wanted to forget about and not celebrate this birthday. However, I've had some time to process my overwhelming self-pity, insipid vanity, and myopic moping. My life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but besides that baby weight- it's without doubt better.

A thousand fold better.

My day to day can certainly feel defeating and mundane, and while it's true that my house will never been clean enough, my children smart enough, and my budget balanced enough (thus the feeling that my job and tasks are never completed), I also get dozens of cuddles and kisses every day. I get to watch my children pick up new skills and teach them about the world around them. I can watch Jude share with a younger child and have compassion on someone who is hurt, and know that I taught him that. And while my body has certainly changed through the childbearing process, I also know that my body is holding onto weight in order to nourish my infant with milk that was perfectly created just for him.

I can't deny that I'm not as young, thin, carefree, naive, and even fun as I used to be, but I'm alive. The fact that I have a handsome husband (on whom age looks great, by the way) and two sweet and fascinating children beyond that is evidence that God loves to give good gifts to His children. Even if society and experience are telling me that my value is decreased as my age and pants size increase, I'm choosing to believe that age, wrinkles, wisdom, gray hair, and experience are beautifully lovely. I'm choosing to believe that the best is yet to be.

i'm dreaming of a...

2010-12-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Maurer family! Our Christmas this year was...great...and strange. It was weird being in an unfamiliar house, an unfamiliar area, and around unfamiliar people on such a huge holiday. It was weird walking outside in jeans and a t-shirt in the week before Christmas while hearing reports of snow for our northern friends. And it was weird that we felt so comfortable here after only having lived in a new state for a mere month.

Compass had a total of five Christmas Eve services this year. Shawn helped with four, and our family attended one together on the 24th. It turns out that Winston-Salem got its first White Christmas since 1960-something. We had a lot of people texting, emailing, and Facebooking us about the snow - presumably since it was well known how much we missed the snow storms of our youth. Most of the communication we got had a tone of, "Ha Ha! Now that you left, we got snow! Aren't you sad you left now?" as if there were any doubt that we were sad about leaving. What people didn't realize was that each comment broke our already sad hearts and made us ache even more.

I attended Compass' Christmas Eve service with a heavy heart - missing all that was familiar to us about the season. As the pastor began to speak though, my perspective began subtly shifting. He spoke from Isaiah 1:18 and described (much more eloquently than I can relay) the process used to dye garments scarlet and its permanence. He continued to describe the blinding whiteness of snow and encouraged the congregation to think of a white Christmas a little differently.

“Come now, let us settle the matter,”

says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,they shall be like wool.

I realized then that in all my longing for a white Christmas, I forgot that I already had the most amazing white Christmas I could ask for. I had told Shawn that the songs, "White Christmas" and "Let It Snow" should be banned from Texas because all they did was give people false hopes. On the way home Christmas Eve, I found myself singing both of those songs with a renewed sense of meaning and with more earnestness than ever. We didn't get a single flake of snow in Dallas this year. But thanks to a tiny, helpless baby, our Christmas was white as the beautiful, pure snow.

I took an insane amount of photos this year because it was Cohen's first Christmas and I wanted our friends and family to be a part of our family's holiday. For the first year, we hid the presents and brought them out after the boys went down on Christmas Eve. We still haven't really addressed the Santa topic with Jude (but plan on telling him that it's so much fun to pretend that there's a Santa), so this strategy was more to stop little hands from ripping up the paper before Christmas morning. You know me and my self control issues.

Late Christmas Eve with our presents under the tree and our stockings stuffed:

This photo is actually for our friends Mike and Jill. Jude lined up his cars and trains in a very carefully placed single file line...very Loganesque.

Cohen didn't do a whole lot this year except look ridiculously adorable (Shawn says, "emphasis on the ridiculous"). We got him a sound machine and a Bible, his Aunts and Uncles bought him a set of Praise Baby DVDs, and his Great Aunt Jackie got him an adorable stuffed animal.

This was a cool little car holder from my Aunt Jackie that is a genius idea. It has little pockets for each car, and the entire thing rolls up to be easily transported:

Thomas the Tank Engine toothpaste! Someone in our house is very excited about brushing his teeth...especially the spitting part. "Pit?" he asks at the end of his brushing time.

There continued to be an awesome Thomas and train theme, which thrilled Jude's little heart to no end. Jude was very insistent that Daddy get out the little trains of this Thomas set from Grammy and Grampy:

One of Jude's favorite parts of Christmas this year was handing the presents to their intended. He loved running excitedly to the tree to pick out a gift, and then hand it to Mommy, Daddy, Cohen, or himself:
Thanks to an awesome Flip cam from Mama and Papa Maurer, I can show you some of Jude's excitement on Christmas (we didn't open up the Flip cam until our second round of present opening though, so this is a little later in the morning):

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

We definitely have more Christmas pictures, but the rest will need to wait. Shawn has the week off from work, so we're spending lots of time doing family activities, trying to get naps, cleaning, grocery shopping, getting our licenses transferred, and just enjoying a little bit of rest after a crazy couple of months. I'll be back soon with more photos of those adorable Maurer kids, though!

cohen eats

2010-12-27T05:37:00.000-08:00

We decided to go ahead and see if giving Cohen some cereal in the evenings would help with his reflux, and boy are we glad we did! Not only has it helped him spit up considerably less (and he seems to be less fussy), but he acted like he'd been waiting for us to feed him solid food for months now. He gobbled up the one tablespoon of rice cereal we'd made him, so we've been slowly increasing the amount we give him. He finally got full last night at three tablespoons!

To be honest, I'm a little shocked that my little baby is old enough to eat solid food. Wasn't he just born yesterday?! And to be even more honest, I'm excited that his first forays into solid food also mean the beginning of the end for nursing. This might perhaps shatter your illusions that I'm the perfect Mom (ha!), but I'm kind of counting down the months until we're finished with nursing. I still plan on nursing Cohen until he's a year old, but I'm looking forward to slowly getting my body and time back.

Cohen sitting in the high chair for the first time. He is still the smiliest little boy I've ever seen!

Jude had so much fun standing by and watching. He got momentarily possessive of "his" highchair (in which he refuses to actually sit, of course), but was just fine when we told him that brothers share their highchairs. Beyond that, he laughed and giggled the entire time Cohen was eating, as if he knew this was a big milestone for his little brother!

It took Cohen a bite or two to realize that it was a different taste and texture than he was used to, but he eventually started gobbling.

And just in case photos aren't doing it for ya, here's a video of Cohen's first bites!

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

jude's birthday::six weeks later

2010-12-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

You know how weird I can be about posting photos in chronological order, so I want to make sure I blog about Jude's 2nd birthday before I write anything further about moving. When was Jude's second birthday, you ask? Why, only six weeks ago. I know, I'm a blogging slacker. I had forgotten these photos were on the camera until I was looking through some Serwa Chic product photos and was surprised. I have to admit that I got a little teary eyed as I remembered what a bittersweet birthday that was. We knew that we'd be moving soon, so we wanted to invite friends over who have played a part in raising and loving Jude as our way of saying, "thank you." You know...if it's fair to say "thank you" by asking friends to come over and bring your son presents. My heart felt heavy the entire night, and I so wanted to squeeze each person there and earnestly tell them how much they've meant to our family. It was neither the time nor the place for that though, so I settled for watching Jude be ecstatic that the house was filled with his favorite people.

Judeabug opening gifts. You'll see a definite unintentional Thomas the Tank Engine theme in his party. That boy loves him some trains!

Cohen, Tim, Katie, Jude, Ryan, and Gray:

November 11th is also Jude's friend Anderson's 3rd birthday, and she was so sweet to come to Jude's birthday party on her birthday. We surprised her with a cupcake and "Happy Birthday."

Jude was very excited about the choo-choos on his cake:

Caleb and Rhonda Smith, holding Cohen:

Sometimes the boy looks like he's sixteen years old:

Our good friend Rhonda made Jude's birthday cake. I told her that she knows him as well as most anyone does, so she was welcome to come up with whatever kind of theme she'd like. She did an INCREDIBLE job on this Thomas cake, and Jude was so ridiculously excited about it! The trains on the cake are actually Thomas birthday trains, and are Jude's favorites still.

Sweet Brittany got Jude a pair of perfect Mee-Hee slippers:

I know the photos are all jumbled up, and I apologize for that. Jude had a fantastic 2nd birthday and was surrounded by people who love him and whom he loves. For him to have an entire extended family of friends in North Carolina makes him one blessed little boy, indeed.

hello, world!

2010-12-18T09:00:00.001-08:00

After over two weeks of feeling like I had no connection to the outside world (which is really a sad commentary on how much media is a part of my life), the Maurers finally have internet and cable! Why hello there, world. It's nice to see how you're doing again. I have so much to update ya'll on and so much to share, but I'll just have to do it a little bit at a time. So for now, here is how things are going on the homefront:

Shawn: Like anyone who begins a new job, Shawn's definitely had a period of adjustment. It's not easy to learn a new system of doing things, a new culture of ministry, a new office atmosphere, and even to figure out where to find the paperclips. If you've ever begun a new job, then you know it takes about a month to fall into a rhythm and feel like you've caught up and can start being productive. Nonetheless, he's excited about the things ahead and is really enjoying getting to know the rest of the Family Life Team. We've spent a lot of time being social with the other ministers and their families and feel blessed to have made fast friends.

Jen: After two weeks I pretty much feel like I have everything unpacked and relatively organized. I've done a fair amount of nesting in the new house and am ready to call it "home." I'm doing pretty well at finding my way around, although exploring new areas is always fun to me. Shawn got a new work issued iPhone, so I was blessed with his new-to-me iPhone 3G. It's possible that I love that phone a little more than is appropriate, but having the maps app has been a lifesaver more than once. I'm looking forward to exploring new restaurants, libraries, and stores with Shawn and the boys!

That being said, I continue to have moments of sadness that sneak up on me.

Shawn was invited to a Mavs game the other night, which left me alone with the boys after a particularly long couple of days. With everything in me, I wanted to invite my small group girls over after the boys went down to hang out. It broke my heart to know that they were far away and that I wasn't going to see them walk through my front door. We have this fantastic porch swing in our back yard on which I can sit and swing while Jude has the run of the yard and can play his little heart away. While our friend Katie was here, she and I swung and chatted while Jude ran around, and it's been where I sit to call friends and family to catch up. Something about sitting there and swinging makes me long for my good friends to sit and swing with me. I want to make them a cup of tea and have long conversations while we swing away and watch Jude dig in the dirt.

Jude: Jude is actually recovering from what I'm guessing was a bad cold. He ran a fever for about a day and a half and was lethargic (and extra cuddly). He seems to be feeling better, but he's still waking up around 6:00 am and climbing into bed with us. Normally Shawn and I have a strict "no child in our bed after 8:00pm" policy, but we do make exceptions for sweet, cuddly, sickies. This morning Jude climbed in, and I wrapped my arms around him with our faces nearly touching. I held the back of his head with my hand, and he put his sweet, chubby hand on the side of my face and played with my ear until he fell asleep. Though I was exhausted, I stayed awake and gazed at his trusting and peaceful face. I love that he feels safe enough to come to us to be held and loved on when he's not feeling well, and I want to remember that moment forever.

Despite being sick, Jude seems to have adjusted to the move pretty well. He'll be starting preschool on January 4th, and I'm praying that's a transition about which he gets excited and does well.

Cohen: We've moved Cohen up to Prevacaid (I have no idea if that's spelled correctly) after trying a couple of less strong medicines. It'll take a couple of days to see if it works, but I'm hopeful that it'll help. I'm debating whether to start cereal with him, as it's been proven to help babies with reflux not painfully spit up so much. I had wanted to wait until he was five or six months old to start, but I also want to try anything that will help him feel better. He's waking up pretty consistently around 4:00 and then again at 5:30 every day (and occasionally at midnight and 2:00). We're exhausted, but I feel like God's giving me enough energy to get through each day.

Cohen had his 4 month well check up yesterday and weighed in at 12 lbs 8 oz and 24 inches tall (10th % for both). I'm looking forward to him being 13lbs., since that's often the point at which babies start sleeping for 12 hours at night. Like we expected, Cohen's hair is starting to get lighter, so it looks like we'll have two blonde haired, blue eyed boys on our hands! Shawn thinks Cohen is starting to look more and more like Jude, but I happen to think Cohen is looking more and more like Shawn.

I promise that photos and hopefully even videos will be coming, but we're trying to just enjoy our time as a family. It was frustrating to not have cable or Internet for two weeks, but I have a feeling that was God's hand in our lives. It allowed us a chance to really invest in people here and spend time with one another and our boys in a way we wouldn't have if we'd had more distractions. I'm focusing on not letting this holiday season pass me by in a flurry of moving and unpacking. Besides, considering the fact that it's about 60 degrees out right now, we need some extra carmel corn-making, cookie eating, hot chocolate drinking, holiday movie watching to make sure we really feel like it's Christmas this year!

letter to cohen

2010-12-12T16:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Cohen,

Today, sweet boy you turned four months old. It's kind of crazy to think about how different our lives were just four months ago when we first saw you face to face. Your sweetness is growing with every passing day, and we're constantly getting remarks about how smiley you are.

In the past month it appears that you've developed reflux. You started getting more and more fussy with each passing day until the day we left for Texas, when you were just a hot mess. You had such a difficult time on the plane and were up every hour at night for our first couple of nights here. Certain that you had an ear infection, I insisted we take a trip to the pediatrician (thank goodness your Super Mom had already set up a pediatrician in Texas and had your files already transferred). It turns out that you were ear infection free. However, as soon as the doctor saw you spit up (it was curdled. and disgusting. and you get it on me at least three times a day. but i love you), and saw your ensuing fussiness, he determined reflux to be the cause. We tried Mylanta for a couple of days, but the real relief came when we asked for a prescription. You're now back to being my mellow, sweet Cohen who is happy as long as he has eye contact.

Because of that reflux you still hate tummy time, but you love to practice standing on your legs. You're also starting to get good at wanting to move your hands towards something and then actually doing it! You've rolled over a couple of times, but you're really more interested in developing those legs and arm/leg movements right now.

You and Jude are continuing to get along surprisingly well, and you two genuinely love each other. You get such a kick out of watching him bound around the house, and your face lights up when he comes near to hug you. Likewise, he loves to see you smile and loves watching you discover your feet. Daddy and I like to make you laugh (which you do with glee), and Jude gets such a kick out of just watching and giggling right along with us.

You took a little bit to adjust to life having some stability again, but I think you're finally getting there. I have you on a somewhat predictable schedule, and you actually slept from 9:45pm-7:30am last night. I'm praying with every fiber of my being that this continues.

I know this topic will be gross to adolescent-Cohen, but I don't care, it's important to me to document it. Nursing you is still going great, and you're still putting on weight and growing great. You have the cutest cankles, and are filling out your 3-6 month clothes so well. The doctor told me to cut out eggs from my diet for a bit to see if that helps with the fussiness, so I'm currently not eating dairy, not eating eggs, and have severely limited my caffeine. All for you, my sweetness. I really didn't think I could be dairy free, but it turns out that I can. In so many ways Cohen, you're teaching me that I'm stronger than I thought and capable of more than I could imagine. Thank you for that.

I have so much fun imagining what you're going to be like when you're grown up, and Daddy and I say all the time that we can't wait to hear what thoughts you have going on in your little head. You are so excited about interacting with people and you spend a great deal of time studying faces and facial expressions. You love to mimic my faces and noises, and your favorite game right now is when I mimic your little gurgles and shouts of glee. At the same time, you're very insistent on when you're ready for a nap, and sleep best in the peace and quiet of your own room. Your personality is so different than your big brother's, and we've had just as much fun discovering who you are and how God made you as we do with Jude.

We're undecided as to whether your personality takes after Mommy or Daddy, but there's no doubt whose traits won in the gene pool war. Cohen, you are the spitting image of your Daddy. If I ever wonder what your Daddy would look like in a onesie... all I have to do is look at you. I happen to be ecstatic about this fact, and am looking forward to you growing up to be handsome like your Dad. I hope you know though, that we won't compare you to him or to Jude. You're definitely your own person with unique gifts, passions, and vices.

We love you so much, Cohen. Your life is such a blessing to our family and you add so much joy to our home. Thank you for being my sweet, sweet Cohen bear.

Heavenly Father, You gave us such a gift when You gave us Cohen. Thank you for knowing what we needed better than we did. Lord, please guard him and protect him. Give us wisdom to parent him well - to see him how You see him, to guide him, and to love him. Teach us how to foster a loving relationship between him and Jude, and help us meet each of their needs individually. God, I pray that Cohen would feel Your presence and know that You have a plan for him. Put people in his life to direct Cohen back to You, to challenge him to draw closer to You, and to allow him to land softly when he fails. God, thank You for his life, thank You for giving us the privilege and honor of caring for that precious life that you so carefully crafted. I can't say it enough, Father. Thank You. It's in Your Son's name that I pray, Amen.

my heart hurts

2010-11-30T10:39:00.000-08:00

Shawn left super early this morning to drive to Texas. He's driving a 26ft Uhaul with our car on a tow dolly hitched to the back. I'm so grateful that Shawn's Dad is following behind in his vehicle, Shawn's a great driver, but that's a long drive with a large truck.

Jude is spending the day with Rhonda (Jude's North Carolina Grandma), so it's just Cohen and me at the house today. The house is completely empty save for a couple of blow up mattresses, a pack and play, and our luggage. I've spent the morning cleaning up and getting the house ready to be seen by someone who thinks it's such a fantastic home they want to offer us $10,000 more than we're asking. But now Cohen's down for a nap. The house is clean. Most of my earthly possessions are packed on a truck that is somewhere in Alabama right now. And after about six weeks of nonstop preparations, plans, long nights, early mornings, and filling ever day with "doing," I finally have a chance to stop.

And I'm realizing something I hadn't noticed before. Something that all the busyness was covering.

My heart is hurting.

When I look around this house, when I see good friends interact with Jude, when I give a hug, when I watch someone pull out of our driveway one last time, when I try to remember details of people's faces, expressions, and hugs, I feel a subtly overwhelming tightness in my chest. A tightness that reminds me that this is hard. And I can't stop crying.

***************************************

I began this post a few days ago and as I was writing I realized that I needed to take my tears (and by "tears," I mean hideous, heaving sobs) to God. We're currently in Texas, but we won't have internet access in our home for another two weeks. I just wanted to update and let everyone know that we got here safely. We love our house, we're mostly unpacked, the boys are happy, and Shawn and I are excited, but in my moments of stillness....my heart still hurts.

do you remember that time?

2010-11-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that time when we had a three month old and a two year old, and we packed up all our stuff, put our house on the market, and moved across the country? Remember how Cohen wasn't even sleeping through the night then? Remember how we'd wake up every morning and spend every single minute working on the house and packing? Do you remember how Jen, Cohen, and Jude all got bad colds in the middle of all of it, and do you remember how after the boys went down every night we'd spend our time spackling, painting, packing, and taping?

Do you remember that adventure? Remember how we went to bed every night more exhausted than the night before, but we woke up every morning with new energy (even though we were up a good portion of the night with Cohen)? Remember how loved and encouraged we felt when people just offered to come help us pack, paint, and love on our boys...even during the holidays? Remember how we'd set a deadline when we would both stop our projects - even if we still had a million things to do - we'd grab a snack or some hot apple cider, and we'd snuggle and watch Hulu together? Do you remember how we never really felt fearful or worried? We were either too naive to realize how huge a task we were undertaking, or we were resting in the confidence that God was leading and guiding us.

Remember that time? Yeah, that was crazy.

cohen smiles

2010-11-20T04:13:00.000-08:00

I realize that I've been posting quite a bit lately, but it seems like a productive use of my time when I'm pumping in the mornings. I took a video of Cohen a couple of weeks ago, trying to catch his sweet smile. He's becoming more smiley with every day and actually let out some for real giggles Thursday night! I had several people over to help me paint a few rooms, and once we finished up our friend Katie was holding Cohen. She would kind of woosh him towards her face, make a funny sound, and his face would light up in a smile. After a few minutes of that game, he started actually making noises when he laughed, and it was absolutely the sweetest sound I've ever heard. As Kayla said, it sounded like Jude's bike horn laugh! I've been trying to get him to laugh again, and while I haven't had much luck I'm sure we'll get to hear it again soon. I can't wait!

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

pumpkin carving

2010-11-19T06:19:00.000-08:00

So the other day I took a notepad and wrote the day and date from now until December 1st on each page. Then I took all of the things I need to get done that are swirling around in my head and spread them out over the next week and a half, according to when each things needs to get done. Then each day, I prioritize which items I need to accomplish first, add any other things that particular day holds, and get to it. Most days I bust my behind but still have one or two items that need to be put on the following day's list because there just aren't enough hours in the day.

This morning, I have everything crossed off my list except for one thing, "box stuff up." To what can I owe this surprisingly productive morning? Well, my son who shall remain nameless (though his name does rhyme with Schmoen) thought that 4:30 this morning would be a great time to wake up for the day. I got bills paid, our budget balanced, our student loans taken off of automatic bill pay, dishes washed, and the bed made. Lest you think I'll be able to relax today, I've thought of three other things I need to do today in the time it took me to write this post. And of course, now that Jude is up it will take me three times as long as it should to do any of those things. Still, it's nice to be able to take a break and share some of our family's pumpkin carving photos with you!

Our three pumpkins in all their jack-o-lantern glory!

Our Cohen pumpkin

The pumpkin Shawn carved to look like me. Please don't be too critical of my baby fat and tired face.
Shawn and Jude working hard!

Jude giving his input on what Shawn should carve

The "Jude" pumpkin

I realize I'm pretty late in getting these pictures up...the pumpkins are now actually chilling in our compost bin. Life is pretty crazy right now, though. I also want to ask your grace in understanding if Shawn or I don't return your calls and/or texts in this season of our life. Words won't do justice in explaining how stressed and overwhelmed we are right now. We desperately need our friends and family to just know that we love you, even if you don't hear from us and even if you have to call us three times before we call you back. It doesn't mean we don't want to hear from you, don't want to talk to you, or don't love you - it just means we have a ridiculous amount of things to do and things to keep straight right now, and a few (and by "a few," I mean "tons of") things inevitably slip through the cracks. Please cut us some slack, don't hate us, and don't make us feel guilty. We're doing our best to keep up with life and come through this season with a sound marriage and boys who know they're loved. Some days it's all we can do to accomplish that much.

And on that note - those boxes and that to-do list are calling my name!

another last

2010-11-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

Since next Wednesday is the day before a holiday and the boys and I are flying out the Wednesday after that, I experienced one of many "lasts" tonight. Except that this one has left me heartbroken. Tonight was my last small group with the girls that I've been teaching, leading, loving, and learning from for five years. It's been on my mind all day and though I was trying to avoid dwelling in sadness, I broke down as I was loading Cohen into his car seat on my way to church. Like any sane person, I confided in my infant.

"Cohen, did you know this is Mommy's last night at small groups?"

Cohen smiled.

"Mommy's going to miss those girls, Cohen. I know you don't know this yet, but those girls mean more to me than I could ever articulate."

Cohen laughed.

It turns out a smiley infant isn't the best person to go to when you want sympathy, but I cried tears of grieving nonetheless. I decided not to say anything to the girls because I didn't want to disrupt any actual learning on their part, and I certainly didn't want to turn our group time into a crying fest. Instead, I decided to soak in every last detail. Where each girl sat, what the room smelled like, the looks on their faces, their highs and lows, their smiles, our inside jokes, and any other detail I could soak in to recall later when I'm missing them so much it aches.

At the end of most small groups I ask for a volunteer to pray. Like most Jr. High and High School students, they all stared at the ground awkwardly, hoping I wouldn't single them out. So I started saying, "Who loves God and wants to talk to Him?" and usually added, "There's no right or wrong pray, it's just having a chat with your Father." In the past couple of years, the girls have started requesting that I say that as we close small groups, and it's become one of our "things." As we closed tonight, I asked for a volunteer to pray, and the girls waited for me to add, "Who loves God and wants to talk to Him?" I did, and immediately Kayla volunteered.

As she prayed, five years of ministry flashed through my mind. Five years of loving the same group of girls week in and week out, five years of watching them make great decisions and watching them make poor decisions. Five years of watching their faith become their own, watching them wrestle with what faith, servant hood, leadership, and obedience are. Five years of seeing them live out their faith - sometimes well and sometimes poorly, of watching them get braces and them get them off, watching them pass their drivers' tests, watching them crush after guys, watching them make and lose friends, watching them love friends through sin, and watching them grow into women. Women whom I'm proud to call mine. Women whom I genuinely enjoy hanging out with. Women I trust my children with. Women whose lives I desperately care about and long to be a part of.

Those girls are a part of my soul, they're a part of who I am. I carry them around with me - their secrets, their dreams, their struggles, their laughter - and eighteen hours between us won't stop that. I'm devastated, sobbing, and my heart is literally aching when I realize that tonight was my last night sitting in that room and saying, "Who wants to share their high and low?"

But the truth is, they can't get rid of me that quickly.

Who says a small group leader has to live in the same town? Who says I can't pray for them every day, text/facebook/email/call/skype and remain a part of their lives? Not me, that's for sure. No, I say that I will refuse to turn in my small group leader badge (...you know, if we had badges), and even though it'll look different than it does now, I will pray for them, pray with them, listen to them, help guide them, and love them just as much as I do now. Just because we're changing locations doesn't mean I won't still remain their small group leader.

Try and stop me.

on the homefront

2010-11-17T05:30:00.007-08:00

I know what you're thinking..."That Shawn is one lucky fella." I totally agree. I mean, who wouldn't want an overtired and overweight wife? Lucky, indeed.

Shawn: Shawn's out of town again for five days, which I think is stressing him out more than he thought it would. He's taken the primary lead on getting things done around the house to get it ready to sell, and the fact that he has just about a week to finish everything up after he gets back is daunting. Both of our bathrooms are currently being remodeled, and I'm hoping to get a good portion of the painting done while he's gone. Hopefully after those two things are taken care of, the rest of the projects will be relatively small. Still, twenty small projects is nothing to sneeze at, and as I'm sure you know - when you plan for something to take two hours it inevitably takes five. On top of that, he's of course working hard to transition his areas of ministry in the church, pack up his office, make his files accessible, and make sure the students know that they remain important to him. Overwhelmed yet? Yeah...so is he.

Jen: I'm working hard at boxing and packing, and am also organizing the logistics of what the boys and I will do for the two days before we fly out that Shawn has all of our earthly possessions. I'm also working on the details of canceling our cable, garbage, etc., and calling every company that automatically debits our bills (which is every. single. bill. we have) to have them bill us manually until we transfer funds from one bank to the other. And then of course there's the fun task of breast feeding and pumping with men in and out of the house working on our bathrooms.

Despite the mayhem of our lives right now, I want you to know that we still remain excited about the changes God is bringing in our lives. We still feel like this is 100% His will, and the assurance of that calling is giving us untold strength and perseverance. And as I told Shawn the other day, all of our current stresses are because we're blessed. We're blessed to own a house to sell. We're blessed to have so many possessions to pack up. We're blessed that so many people want to spend time with us. We're blessed to have two little precious lives to care for. We're so, SO blessed.

Jude: I think Jude's finally adjusted to Daylight Savings Time, so is no longer waking up at 6:00am. This makes for a much happier Mommy and much less whiny Jen. I also realized that in my haste to grocery shop a couple of weeks ago, I bought Jude whole milk instead of his usual lactose free milk. I went about three days of giving him regular milk before Shawn pointed out my mistake. Since switching him back, he's been significantly less whiny. I'd actually been wondering if we should start transitioning him to regular milk, and it looks like he's not ready for that yet. He had his 2 year well check this week, and is basically perfect. He's 23lbs and I think 36 inches tall. The doctor said that at 2 years, they're usually about half of their adult height. This fact would put Jude at 5'4 (which is one inch taller than me), but our doctor thought Jude would probably fall right in between Shawn and I...around 5'8. I expect that Jude will probably be one of the smallest kids his age for quite some time, and we'll certainly help him cope with any kind of stigma that may come from that, but really - if being on the small side is his biggest problem than he's one blessed kid, indeed.

Cohen: That boy loves him some eye contact. It can be disconcerting to be chatting with someone and look down to see Cohen waiting anxiously to bust into a grin at your eye contact. Disconcerting, but wonderful. He's still sleeping well, though I'm never quite sure when he's going to wake up. I try to feed him around 8:00pm, and then wake him up to feed him around 10:00 or 10:30. He then typically sleeps until anywhere between 5:00am and 8:00am. We had a couple of mornings with early wakings, but I had a few servings of dairy within a two day period, and I think his little tummy was struggling to digest it. He slept until 7:30 this morning, so I'm hoping that's made it's way through my system.

As our days and moments to accomplish productivity are quickly vanishing, mine and Shawn's state of sanity is also mysteriously disappearing. Thanks to awesome friends and thoughtful people, Jude and Cohen seem to be blissfully unaware of the chaos swirling around them right now, though.

everything is cuter dressed as a puppy

2010-11-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

This is a video I've been trying to upload for about two months now. I'm trying now to see if I can upload it to Vimeo and share it here, so bare with me if this is a big fat fail. I completely forgot to take a single photo of the boys dressed in their outfits on Halloween, but I did get this video when I was trying on Jude's costume earlier in October at the house. You're gonna wanna watch this cuteness, trust me.

Untitled from J Maurer on Vimeo.

randoms

2010-11-15T10:38:00.002-08:00

So Blogger is being random about what videos it'll let me upload and what ones it won't. I've tried to upload my videos through YouTube, but a five minute video takes several hours to upload, and it freezes my computer up. Does anyone have any other ideas for how I can successfully upload videos on the blog? It let me upload this random video of Jude and I waiting on Shawn in the car, so enjoy Jude's cuteness!

a letter to cohen

2010-11-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Cohen,

It's pretty hard to believe it, but you are three months old today! Three months ago today, we met the sweetest, smiliest little boy we'd ever known. Kiddo, you are just busting with personality and joy, and Daddy and I have loved getting to know you. You love nothing better than to be looking into someone's eyes and making them smile, and you literally throw your head back to laugh. You've recently figured out how to get your hand to your mouth, and you also like getting your hand to go towards my mouth so I can give you lots of kisses!

Cohen, you love your big brother. You're fascinated by what he does and LOVE when he makes eye contact with you. You smile so big when he kisses the top of your head or leans in and gently says, "boo." I pray that you two have a strong bond and feel the responsibility to look out for one another.

Developmentally, you're growing right on track. You're staying awake a little bit longer, but you sure do love your sleep. You're still working on grasping objects with your hands, and are trying to figure out those crazy arms and legs of yours. You like to blow raspberries and stick your tongue out, and when you accomplish those feats, your entire face lights up like you just conquered the world. Like most babies your age, you detest tummy time - so you get probably five minutes every day or so. Your neck support is great though, and you're already able to turn your head to look towards sounds you hear.

You haven't been weighed since you were nine weeks old, but I can tell you're growing. You're out of size 1 diapers now, and seem like you're close to being out of the size Small cloth diapers I have. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if you need to be moved to a Medium already, since Jude is still in Mediums. I guess it'll make sorting the diapers easier! You've recently developed an extra little fat roll on your thigh and a double chin, which just thrills me to no end. Your Daddy thinks it's weird that I delight in seeing you put on weight, and I'm sure as you read this, you'll think it strange too, but I don't care. It's my job to nourish you, and seeing your little chunk-a-lunks is as close as we'll get to you being able to say, "You're doing a good job feeding me, Mommy. Thanks for taking such great care of me."

Everyone comments on how active your little legs and arms are! Anytime you're not in someone's arms or sleeping, you're kicking those legs like crazy. I think I've written about this before, but you especially love to kick at bath time. Your face gets very serious, your eyes get big, and you concentrate so hard on kicking. It's awesome to see how both you and your brother have taken so well to water and love bath time so much.

You're continuing to be a much better sleeper than we expected, and you usually sleep from 8:30pm-5:00am. When you wake up at 5:00, I usually go into your room and cuddle with you on the guest bed while we both get another hour and a half to two hours of sleep. I'm looking forward to the day when those 5:00am wakings are a thing of the past, but I do enjoy that cuddle time with you. My heart is so full when I can wrap my arms around you, smell your sweet baby head, and feel your breathing become more regular and deep.

Now that you're finished with your growth spurt, you're back to being a great napper. Our nap time (and bed time routine) are now super short - I change your diaper and sing to you while I swaddle you. Then I stand next to your crib and finish singing (you're usually pretty fussy off and on), then lay you in your crib. Most of the time you go right to sleep, though occasionally you fuss for three or four minutes before falling asleep on your own, and the entire routine takes less than five minutes. Don't tell Jude, but putting him down for a nap at this age was a twenty minute ordeal!

Cohen-Bear, you bring so much joy to our house. It's been such a privilege to see you growing and to learn more and more about your personality. We love you, sweet boy, and can't wait to see what the next month brings!

a letter to jude

2010-11-11T05:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Jude,

Today my sweet son, you are two years old. I know that you still don't really have a concept of what a birthday is, but today is the day that we celebrate the life that God has given you. We named you "Jude" because the name means to give praise or thanks, and that's exactly what we do when we talk to God about you. Last year on your birthday, I wrote about how you were born. I still plan on telling you about your birth story every year on your birthday, but I think I'll forego writing it all out again this year.

Instead, I want to make sure I remember the things you love at two years old. For starters, you are just a passionate kiddo. Most of the time you're passionately excited, but sometimes you're passionately frustrated. At least two or three times a day you slowly whisper, "Woooowwww" with such amazement and wonder, and I love seeing the world through your eyes. At the moment, you are passionate about: trains, ice, puppies, cheese, the baby, church, Mee Hee, helping mommy in the kitchen, and letters. You love picking out your shirt in the mornings, and often insist that I put on your shoes and jacket - even if we're staying inside all day.

You've started running really hard and slam-hugging into my legs, and you and I have recently discovered the joy of eyelash kisses. I have to be honest and tell you that you have a strong streak for destruction - you love to crash cars, throw things around, and wipe everything off of the living room table just to watch it crash on the ground. You still have a strong stubborn streak, but we're learning how to help you figure out when that stubbornness is appropriate. Time outs are Mommy's best friend right now, and they work wonders for helping you learn to be obedient. My favorite thing is to squat down in front of you after time outs when I explain why you were put there. You hug me and give me a tear streaked kiss, and I love that moment of tenderness with you. You're usually in time out because you've been willfully disobedient, and you have tendency to listen to me say, "no," take it in, give me an angry look, and proceed to do what I've asked you not to do. It's amazing to watch your heart go from being hardened in disobedience to being softened in repentance. Sometimes I wonder if that's how God feels about us when we go to Him in repentance.

You're still not very interested in eating sweet things, but then again you're not interested in eating unfamiliar to you period. Truthfully, you spend most of your day eating graham crackers, animal crackers, veggie crackers, cheese, and bagels with peanut butter. Sometimes I can get you to eat yogurt or peas, but those things are hit and miss. Basically if it's in a cracker form, you're guaranteed to love it.

As I write this, you're carting your stool around after Daddy saying, "I help? I help? I heeeeeellllllpppp! I help?" and to be honest, you actually are very helpful. You're great at throwing things in the trash can and going to get stuff for us. You're very helpful in stirring things for me, and your curiosity about how Mommy and Daddy are doing things never ends.

You're also talking up an absolute storm. Much of it seems to be in toddler code, and I spend a good amount of time translating (for example, "Dat Go?" means, "Where did it go?" and indicates you want to play a game of hide and seek with some object that you've hidden). It's so sweet to see how your brain interprets words, phrases, and ideas.

It's cool to see that you get excited about getting in the car and going places. You recognize church and shout, "CHUCH!" when we get anywhere near a church. You recognize our route home from about a mile away and say, "Huh-Home!" You know what I mean when I tell you we're going to a store, and when I say we're going to someone's house. You love to look out the window and spot trucks, letters, and most recently the moon. Even though we've never taken you to McDonald's, you get pumped when we drive by the one near us and yell, "Uh-Em!" as you recognize the big "M."

Daddy wanted me to tell you that you're his little best friend. He loves playing in your room with you - playing cars and chase. He loves when you run up to hug him and never quite knows if you're going to run towards him and then run away at the last minute, or run straight into his arms with glee. You make his heart full, kiddo, and he's so glad that you made him a Daddy.

You've remained our little cuddle bug, and the nickname "Judeabug" still fits you well. You share amazingly well with other kids, and have a heart that's so sweetly tender. Jude, we're blessed that God chose us to steward your life, and we pray that you know and love Him with all of your heart. We know that even now, He's preparing you for His plan, and we pray that your heart is soft to hearing His voice - His guidance, correction, and love. We know that as much as MommyDaddy love you, He loves you infinitely more perfectly and completely.

Dear God,

How can I thank you enough for that boy? I had no idea how much You would use him to change and refine me. I had no idea how much my heart could grow and how much I could love so unconditionally. Thank you for using him to show us Your heart for us. Thank you for trusting us with him. Lord, give us wisdom to love, guide, correct, and teach him. Help us to see him how you see him. Abba, please protect him. I pray that even at two years old, his heart would know You and know Your ways. I pray that you'd place in his heart a deep sense of Your calling for his life. Prepare him even now for the plans you have for him, God. Thank you, Father, for his life. What an incredible little life it is.

baby fix

2010-11-08T04:50:00.000-08:00

It looks like I'm able to upload videos with relative ease again, so here are a couple for you to get your baby fix. I have to admit that Cohen's not doing anything particularly interesting in these (he had just been smiling and cooing, and we were trying to get him to do it again), but when you're a baby just being a baby is interesting.

smiles

2010-11-07T21:54:00.000-08:00

Shawn trying to get Cohen to smile a couple of weeks ago:

old school sunday & on the homefront

2010-11-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

In our preparations to get our home ready for the market, I'm feeling all nostalgic about our house. I've had a love/hate relationship with our home in the four years we've lived here, but that's for another post. In the meantime, here are some photos of our sweet little home right after we moved in. It's incredible to look through them and see how many improvements we've made in the short time we've lived here!

Our kitchen has since had a complete make over with beautiful new tile, a new light fixture, new paint, white cabinets, and silver pulls (and that hideously placed chandelier is now gone). The kitchen makeover was a present from Shawn to me when I went out of town one weekend:

And a homefront update:

Shawn: Shawn is currently out of town on a middle school trip. I counted the days he'd be in town in the month of November (I was trying to plan out meals for our grocery budget), and it was something like 12 days if we're gone for a week at Thanksgiving like we'd hoped. At some point in those twelve days we need to do several home improvement projects, cram in doctors appointments, have a birthday party for Jude, try and attend as many birthday parties/dinners/last minute you're-leaving-and-we-want-to-spend-time-with-you get togethers as we can, and pack up our entire house. If you're wondering how on earth we're going to do all that, well...we are, too.

Jen: I'm trying not to get overwhelmed. A good indicator of how crazed I'm feeling is how many different to do lists I have and the length of those to do lists. I usually have at least one, sometimes as many as three when I'm feeling extra busy. I have six running lists right now. This is not good. Despite the craziness, I'm really trying to take things one day at a time and accomplish the tasks for each day as they come. I'm also really trying to enjoy my boys and not overlook them out of busyness. I have to admit that I'm so relieved to be a stay at home in this period of our lives. I'm fairly certain that's the only way our house as any semblance of order and stability for the kiddos.

Jude: Jude is crazy about trains, ice, letters, and cheese right now. Most of his days are spent enjoying one of those four things. Judeabug is also passionate about reading and books, and is more than happy to bring me book after book to read. I'm sure you know how much I just hate that. :) He now knows almost all of his letters, so I'm focusing a little bit more on teaching him colors and numbers. He loves to count, but is a little confused about how it works. He counts, "...two...eight...pie....L..." and two is by far his favorite number! After two years of enthusiastic "Da-Da!"s, Jude is finally saying, "Mommy!" It sounds more like, "Mohhh-Meeeeeeee," and is said with all the sweetness my little heart can stand.

Cohen: I do believe Cohen is on the tail end of his 12 week growth spurt. So far he's hit his growth spurts exactly one day after he's supposed to and they last about three days - which is in contrast to Jude's spurts that lasted about a week. While I think some of that contrast is just a difference in kiddos, I also think some of it is because I've learned. When Jude would growth spurt, I did my best to keep him on a three hour schedule and sleep an extended period at night. I also had to give Jude several bottles a day because I was working and had a hard time pumping as much as he was taking when he went through growth spurts, and I'm very careful to not give Cohen bottles during his spurts. I'm sure that's why it took my milk supply a week to catch up to his growth. With Cohen, I feed him as soon as he begins fussing. That usually means every 2-2.5 hours during the day and every 5 hours at night (I know how blessed I am that it IS 5 hours at night...Jude would fuss every 2 hours round the clock). It does mean my life has to kind of be on lock down during those days (especially since Shawn's out of town and I can't really go anywhere where I can't feed Cohen and run after Jude by myself...which is basically nowhere but my own house), but it's worth it. The day before Cohen started his growth spurt, he slept for 11 hours, and I have high hopes that he'll start that consistently once he's done.

So the Maurer home is bracing for chaos right now, but we're so grateful for God's provision and grace. My posts will be super short and sporadic for awhile, but once we get settled it's important to me to use this blog as a tool to show both our families from the north and our friends from North Carolina what our life is like. And on that note...Cohen needs to eat and Jude is spilling AlphaBits all over the floor. Motherhood calls!

frowney face, smiley face

2010-11-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

bittersweet symphony

2010-11-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've typed up three complete blog posts tonight. Three different ways to share my heart and how God is moving in our lives. Each one seemed inadequate and at the same time superfluous. So here goes -

We're moving to Texas because God led us to. And I don't say that lightly. I have to feel pretty certain about a decision to claim that it's God's will. From the very beginning of this process (which was only a few short weeks ago), we haven't been able to shake the feeling that this was from God. When Shawn, Jude, Cohen and I flew down to visit the church, the town, the people, and the culture, we knew. We knew down to our bones that God was asking us to take this next step.

Our hearts are at the same time sinking down to our toes with an indescribable heaviness and soaring straight out of our chests with a freeing lightness. There's peace and freedom that comes along with being smack in God's will. Accompanying is a kind of giddy laughter at the ridiculousness of what we're about to embark on, and the assurance that the Creator of the universe has been preparing us for this for awhile. There's a sense of adventure in packing up our boys and taking them to an unknown land. Our future looks vastly different than we had planned mere months ago, but we're giddy with possibilities and opportunities.

And while it's hard to understand, at the same time our hearts are quickening with excitement they're also being broken. Shattered, in fact. Our roots in Winston-Salem are deep. We bought our house with the expectation that our kids would graduate from a specific school system, and we love Pinedale literally like the bride of Christ. We love her unconditionally with eyes that see her as Christ sees her, and we so desperately want the best for her. Pinedale has been the only church Shawn and I have ever served at. And she will always be our first love.

Our families live a considerable distance away from us, so the friends we have in Winston-Salem are our family. We've spent Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters, Fourth of Julys, birthdays, and hospital stays with you. You've seen me go through postpartum depression and helped pull me out of it, and you've helped fill in the gaps when Shawn couldn't be around. You rushed over to lower the crib when Jude jumped out one afternoon and I was hysterical, you insisted on keeping the boys so Shawn and I could have date night, you sang in our wedding, you helped us pack up our tiny apartment and unpack in our house, you asked how I was doing after Cohen's birth in a tone that meant, "I'll do anything to make this easier for you." You've mourned when we've mourned and rejoiced when we rejoiced, and you've seen us through some of the biggest changes to our marriage, our character, and our lives. You've shaped who we are and who we will be, and our hearts already ache with missing you.

I want to continue making sure you know how much we treasure you, but truthfully, I can't see through the tears in my eyes. And that's not how I want this to go down. I don't want to be so busy missing our friendships that I don't enjoy them. I don't want to busy myself with mourning so that I completely miss the truth that these kinds of friendships are blessings. I will not take those blessings for granted or refuse to relish them because I'm grieving their absence.

We're moving to Texas, but because you are firmly planted in our hearts, we're taking you with us. And personally, I happen to think Texas will be a little better off for it.

video (part two)!

2010-11-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

Blogger is finally letting me upload videos, so I have a few to catch up on. This one was taken when I was late in my pregnancy (hence the polka dot belly), and involves Jude and a breast pump box:

video!

2010-10-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

pumpkin patch

2010-10-25T05:36:00.000-07:00

While Shawn's parents were visiting a couple of weeks ago, we took the boys to our local pumpkin patch and let Jude help us pick out pumpkins. We had fun remembering how at last year's visit, Jude and I had the swine flu...but we didn't realize it yet. Thankfully this year we were flu free and ready to enjoy our pumpkin patchin' experience!

Jude was just as interested in the flowers and patches of dirt as he was in the pumpkins:

Trying to be helpful:

Cohen spent most of the time asleep, but we did get proof that we took him too:

Jude was not too happy about the scratchy hay on his legs:

Jude wants to introduce his friend Mee Hee to you. We were given this sock money and a matching sock elephant at my baby shower several months ago. I held both up to Jude and let him pick which one he wanted. After he very decidedly picked the monkey, I asked him what he wanted to name him. "Mee Hee," Jude responded quickly. "Mee Hee?" I asked, "Are you sure?" "Des. Mee Hee." Jude said.

And a true friendship was born. Mee Hee is the only thing Jude has ever formed an attachment to. Mee Hee sleeps with Jude in his bed and often cuddles with Jude while he sits on the couch. This particular event was Mee Hee's first outing, and Jude wanted to make sure we documented it:

Since we took away the pacifier during the day, Jude's replaced it with this fun and drool-filled move:

Jude and Mee Hee picking out a Jude sized pumpkin:

Jude kept giving Casper a high five. Casper the friendly ghost, indeed.

really, i can't complain

2010-10-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

An actual conversation between Shawn and I last night:

Shawn: "I didn't know you washed dishes at a restaurant. I thought you were a waitress."

Jen: "Yep, I wasn't old enough to be a waitress at first, so I washed dishes for a couple of years and worked my way up."

Shawn: "Was this before or after your summer job shucking corn?"

Jen: "After. But before I earned money washing school buses."

[long pause]

Jen: "Huh... Being a stay at home Mom is kind of the sweetest gig I've ever had."

my heart

2010-10-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

a letter to cohen

2010-10-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Cohen,

I meant to write this letter to you a week ago, on your two month birthday. I'm sorry to say that I didn't get that letter written, but I figured writing it when you're ten weeks old is better than nothing, right? I know, I know - chalk it up to therapist fodder about being the second child. Truthfully though, I happen to think you got the better end of the deal. Daddy and I are much more chill, relaxed, and prepared parents to you. But then, this letter isn't about Daddy and I, it's about you.

Cohen, you are ten weeks old and I already can't imagine how our family ever could've been complete without you. You already have such a distinct personality and are definitely a people person. Most of the time when you start fussing in your bouncy seat, it's because you want to have eye contact with someone. As soon as Daddy, Jude, or I are near enough for you to have eye contact with, your little face lights up in a grin. And that's another thing, sweet Cohen. You have the world's most charming smile. You start off with a little side smirk, but the smile soon overtakes your face. Your eyes crinkle and shine and your whole little body scrunches up with your grin. It's the most charming thing I've ever seen, and amazingly the world around me disappears when I see that smile.

You had your two month check up this past Friday, and you were 11 lbs. even and in the 16th percentile. Great job, bud! You got a few shots and screamed like I've never heard you scream before, but you calmed down once I could pick you up and give you some lovin'. After experimenting with my diet and talking to your doctor, it looks like you definitely have a sensitivity to dairy. It's not entirely surprising - your brother does and I did as a baby, too. I can tell that your little belly is getting better about digesting as you get older, but I'm staying away from milk, cheese, yogurt, whipped cream, etc. so that your tummy isn't in pain all the time. I told your Daddy last week that once you get to a year old and I'm not nursing you any longer, I'm going to have one heck of a cheese party. Although now that I see that in writing, it sounds a little gross, so maybe I'll forego the cheese party and just enjoy some ice cream and pizza one night.

Cohen, you rolled over once from your tummy to your back, but don't seem terribly interested in doing it again. You hate tummy time with an intense passion right now, but you love to work on holding up your head when I'm holding you over my shoulder. As I walk through crowded places, I hear people behind me exclaiming, "Oh, what a cute baby!" as you look over my shoulder with your bright and alert eyes. Speaking of your eyes, Daddy says he thinks you have my eyes, but as you get older I see more and more of your Daddy in you! You're starting to get interested in bright colors and things dangling above you, and you spend most of your day kicking your legs all around.

You've been pretty consistent about sleeping at least six hours a night, and we've learned that you love to be swaddled. You more than love it, you insist on it. Even though you cry the entire time I'm swaddling you, as soon as I pick you up, your little eyes close and your body relaxes. You simply don't sleep well when you're not swaddled - I think those little arms and legs keep you awake and you like the secure feeling of being swaddled.

You and Jude continue to get along amazingly well. Your big brother does a great job of being gentle with you (except for that time he threw a die cast train several feet away and it hit you right on the head. That was an accident, though), and sometimes he just touches your feet and giggles. You love when Jude crouches down next to your boppy and talks to you. You and he make eye contact and really look like you're talking to each other.

So Cohen, at ten weeks old, you're pretty much amazing. You have my heart, and I love you so much more than I thought possible. I'm honored that God chose us to steward and care for your precious life. We love you, sweet Cohen.

a lil' business

2010-10-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted my friends and family to know that if you "like" Serwa Chic on Facebook by October 22nd, you'll receive an exclusive discount code to use in the Serwa Chic shop! If you're not a fan of Serwa Chic on Facebook yet....what are you waiting for?!

happy monday

2010-10-11T04:09:00.001-07:00

I hope yours is a little less sleepy than ours...

for the life of me

2010-10-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

...I can't pick which is my favorite feature of Jude's. Somedays I think it's his eyes, some days his kissable cheeks, some days his chubby little fingers, and some days...it doesn't matter.

I just melt.

on the homefront

2010-10-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like our friends and family are long overdue for a quick update on the goings-on of the Maurer family. Before I do that though, I want to let you know that I have a couple of really cute videos that I've been trying to upload for days to no avail. I promise you that I try to upload both videos and photos almost every day, and almost every day I get frustrated and give up. I'll keep trying, but until it actually works I'm afraid you're stuck with just words.

And on that delightfully exciting note -

Shawn is madly in love with fall. He and I are both just more fun to be around when the leaves are changing colors and we have a cup of coffee in our hands. Shawn's also really excited about football season commencing and is - as usual - quite busy. He's continuing to amaze me by his selflessness and ability to juggle so much in this season of our life.

Jen is tired, but I seem to be turning a corner from chronically exhausted to tired most of the time. It may not seem like a big difference, but if you've ever been chronically exhausted then you know....oh, you know. I'm starting to begin a couple of Serwa Chic custom projects and would love to figure out a way to fit running into my weekly schedule. I feel like getting back into a somewhat normal schedule has been a little easier this time around, and I'm grateful. I still have bad days and occasionally feel like I can't shake the fog of being overwhelmed, but those days are getting fewer and further between.

Jude is well...he's Jude. He's spunky, sweet, smart, feisty, and adorable. He's actually sleeping in his own toddler bed now and only gets his paci when he's sleeping. We've been working on recognizing letters lately, and I'm really impressed by how quickly he's picking them up. He now knows (most of the time) A, E, I, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, U, X, and Y. We're also working on numbers, but he doesn't seem to be picking those up as quickly. This is such a fun age for learning - it seems like every day he's saying a new word, learning a new letter, or conveying a new thought. Conversely, this is not such a fun age for temper tantrums and overuse of the word, "no." Nonetheless, being that boy's Mom is one of the greatest joys of my life.

Cohen is much more chill than we're used to in an infant. He's already smiling and cooing and loves to hear Shawn and I laugh. Nursing him is going really well, despite my many thoughts of giving up at 3:00 in the morning. I know that putting this on the blog will most likely jinx it, but Cohen slept from 11:45pm - 6:30am last night and from 11:15pm - 5:00am the night before. Everything in life is easier to handle with six hours of sleep - including breast feeding! Cohen's next appointment is a week from tomorrow, and I'm interested to hear how much he weighs.

I wish I could update more thoroughly, but since Jude is driving his trains across my monitor at the moment, I should probably do some Jude-lovin'. Just wanted to let you know that we're here and we're well!

things i don't do

2010-10-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

It sure has taken me long enough, but I've finally had a chance to think through the things in my life I'm willing to just let go in order to prioritize my list of things I do. After all, those things won't just magically get done - it takes intentionality, self-awareness, and to some extent organization.

Since I wrote my list, I've been evaluating my daily activities in light of it and asking myself if what I'm doing contributes to one of those items (in a nutshell: God, Shawn, kids, myself, my home, ministry, my friends). If it doesn't feed into one of those things, then it's just a waste of my time and will not help make me and my life healthier. For example: Spending time on Facebook commenting on my Small Group girls' statuses? Worth it - It hopefully lets them know that I'm thinking about them in my day and it's a way that I can check in on what's going on with them. Spending time on Facebook looking at profiles of people I knew from high school, but barely remember? Not worth it - It's basically taking my time, wadding it up in a big old ball, and throwing it in the trash can. It's not helping my family or my relationship with God, it's not particularly edifying to me, it's not doing ministry, not investing in friendships, and is just helping me procrastinate from doing the dishes or laundry. And these days, I just don't have time to throw away. It's actually pretty incredible how much time I waste, not necessarily on sinful things, but just on things that in the long run don't matter and aren't ultimately one of my large stones.

So I'm basically just realizing that living a life of intentionality takes work, as it's much easier to live a life of wasted time. I've lived that life, and it's awful. I may have been doing a lot, but it's all with mediocrity, as opposed to doing a few things with excellence. So allow me to share with you the things in my life that I've just had to let go - things that I intentionally do not do in order to intentionally do the things I want to do (convoluted sentence writing is apparently on my list of things I do):

- I don't aim to take an award in dinner making. We don't have three course dinners, and Shawn and I split the cooking about 50/50. I don't usually have dinner waiting for Shawn when he gets home (although to be fair, that's largely because his schedule varies highly from day to day), and some days I consider a bowl of cereal to be a legitimate dinner option.

- I don't knit. I'm not sure why, but I have a lot of people in my life telling me that I should knit. It looks complicated and I have almost no time right now to learn a new skill. I have no doubt that it's relaxing, but I'd just as soon take a bubble bath or go for a run to get the same effect.

-I don't invest in friends who aren't friends. I don't have time to invest in friendships that are filled with criticism, gossip, and complaining. That's not to say I don't love those people - I just love them from a distance. If I'm going to invest in a friendship, I need it to be friends who challenge me to be a better child of God, wife, mother, and individual.

- I don't fuss much about my hair. I get it cut once every couple of years and occasionally hack some layers into it myself. I put some curling gel into it at some point after I shower, and that's it. A date might night might be cause to break out the curling iron, but that's as complicated as I get. You know that trendy bump thing girls have going on right now? Never gonna happen.

- I don't work full time. I know this might seem obvious, but it was a big step for me in arranging my life so that I could focus on my priorities with excellence. Now obviously being a stay at home Mom is a LOT of work, and I do own a small business, but letting go of my full time job was one of the best decisions we've made.

- I don't edit my photos beyond the occasional cropping. It's hard enough for me to find the time the actually get them off my camera and onto this blog in a timely manner, so you'll just have to endure the occasional red eyes and less than impressive lighting.

- I don't answer my phone if I'm spending quality time with God, Shawn, or my boys. I know this might be frustrating to some people, but the truth is that those four individuals come before anyone else in my life, and the least I can do is choose to make my quality time with them time that is undivided and undistracted. I'm realizing that lengthy phone conversations are a thing of the past for me right now (as it seems like one of the boys decides to fuss as soon as I pick up my phone), so I only call people who understand when I abruptly say, "I need to go, Jude just took off his diaper and is running around naked," or I have most of my conversations via text since I can text in between diaper changes, nursing sessions, disciplining, cuddling, cleaning, and the myriad of other things on my list.

- I don't wear makeup unless I'm leaving the house, and even then it's a 50/50 shot. I'm just not thinking Jude and Cohen care how luscious my eyelashes are or how plump my lips appear.

- I try my best not to overload our schedules with events, which is especially challenging to balance with ministry. Events include (but are not limited to): birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding showers, baby showers, football games, volleyball games, holiday parties, award ceremonies, concert recitals, and competitions. That's not to say we don't do those things, because we actually enjoy them and want to attend them. Beyond that, attending those events is just a part of investing in students and people, a critical part of our lives. After five years of ministry though, I've learned that you just have to say, "no" sometimes for the sake of your family and sanity. And truthfully, the reason for saying no doesn't always have to be because you have a scheduling conflict. Sometimes it's okay to say no just because you need an evening or two at home. On the flip side, it's also okay to occasionally haul both boys to those events, even if they are a handful the entire time- because it's important for them to know that ministry and family quality time can go hand in hand.

- I don't scrapbook, host fancy dinner parties, know the difference between Iraq and Iran, wash my car, go to the beach, watch the Bachelorette, vacuum more than once a week, read the newspaper, care about Lindsey Lohan's court appearances, or paint my nails.

...................................................................................

It's brutal, making the list of Things I Don't Do, especially for someone like me, who refuses most of the time to acknowledge that there is, in fact, a limit to her personal ability to get things done. But I've discovered that the list sets me free. I have it written in black and white, sitting on my desk, and when I'm tempted to go rogue and bake muffins because all the other moms do, I come back to both lists, and remind myself about the important things: that time is finite, as is energy. And that one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life. There is work that is only mine to do: a child that is ours to raise; stories that are mine to tell, friends that are mine to walk with. The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being.

-Shauna Niequist

...and finally

2010-09-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

The rest of Jude's 18th month photos and my maternity photos from Photographic Memories:

bath-itty bath

2010-09-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

I'm dreadfully slow in posting pictures of Cohen's first tub bath, but I finally had a chance to get them off of our camera. Despite the fussy faces he's making, Cohen actually does really well with baths. He's super active and likes to kick his legs a lot; he really only gets mad when he's cold. He tends to be super sleepy after baths, and he smells delicious!

Sleeping in Daddy's arms before his first bath:
I know these are out of order, but being wrapped up in Daddy's arms after the bath:

And during the bath:

And lest this post be Jude-less, a photo from when our friends Mike and Jill came over for dinner recently. Shawn took the photo to prove that Jude and Logan don't look that much alike, but I think the plan backfired:

Cohen slept for six hours for two nights in a row recently, which was glorious! Of course, I only slept for five of those hours both nights - for which I'm kind of kicking myself now. Still, five hours is pretty amazing when you're used to running on three, so I can't complain. He went back to waking up earlier last night, but I'm really hoping to be getting some decent consistent sleep soon! There IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

things i do

2010-09-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a few posts ago that I've been doing some thinking about my priorities and how I order my life. It's easy to claim certain things as priorities, but I find those "priorities" often getting cluttered out and altogether ignored by less important things. I heard an illustration long ago about a jar and rocks. I'm certain you've heard it, too. The basic point is that if you fill that jar with big stones first, you'll have room to fit the small pebbles in and around those stones. But if you fill the jar with the pebbles first, there won't be any room for the large stones. My life is easily consumed with small pebbles, though it's usually my fault because I haven't put the stones in first.

And so, here are my stones:

-I'm trying to figure out a way to phrase this without sounding pithy or cliche, but I'm falling short. I love me some God. There, I said it. My life revolves around knowing Him, loving Him, pleasing Him, failing Him, being awed by Him, and being rescued by Him. He is the reason why and the strength through which anything else on my list can exist. Practically speaking I'm in a season of my life where I'm not able to dedicate the hour to Bible study and prayer that I once could, but I'm also in a season of my life where I'm learning what it means to pray without ceasing. I pray as I rock Cohen to sleep, I pray as I watch Jude color, I pray as I take a shower, I pray as I fold the laundry, I pray as I close my eyes at night, I pray as I clean up toys, vacuum the floor, and wipe spit up off my shoulder.

Now, lest you think I'm uber spiritual, you should know that the vast majority of these prayers go something like, "God, please give me patience (or wisdom, depending on the day) to love this family like You love me." Even though my prayers are short and pretty repetitive these days, this interaction with my Abba is my lifeblood.

- I love Shawn and try to give him my best. It's a tough task right now, but I try not to give Shawn my leftovers - physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I take however much time he needs to listen to his thoughts, vents, and triumphs at the end of his work day and I serve him throughout my day by creating order and stability in our home. I speak well of him to others (which isn't a tough task, he's amazing), and I love him enough to do the hard work of challenging him to be who God created him to be.

-I am a prayerful and humble steward of two little lives. Jude and Cohen are mine for only a time, and I'm constantly asking myself if I'm being a wise steward or a foolish steward of their lives. I aim to show them that God created them, loves them, and has a plan for them. I work to speak Truth into their lives - that they are strong, brave, sweet, smart, and capable - but when they are weak, afraid, obstinate, foolish, and incapable God and I both love them just as much and delight in helping them become the former. I know that I'm their world right now, and I strive to create a world for them that is filled with love, joy, peace, patience (most of the time, anyway), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

-I know that taking care of myself belongs on this list because unfortunately, I've seen what happens when it's not. Right now, taking care of myself means not being shy about asking for a nap. It also means taking the time to eat well and fuel my body for the marathon days and nights ahead, and realizing that I need to occasionally get out of this house without the kids in tow. Like everything else on my list, the practical ways in which this plays out change with each season of my life. I'm looking forward to the days when this means rising early to go for a run, get a shower, and spend time with my Creator.

-I maintain order in our home. I make sure our bills are paid and our budget is balanced, I organize our paperwork and files, and I manage appointments and schedules.

-I minister to and love my small group girls. I make sure they know that I'm a safe place to fall and that I love them unconditionally.

-I invest in and work on developing friendships (albeit poorly most of the time). I'm constantly checking myself to make sure I'm not putting up needless walls and am being authentic with friends. I try to be a good listener and make sure I'm giving as much as I'm taking in conversation and heart.

These are my stones, the non-negotiable things of priority and importance. I'm amazed by how much of my daily activity I waste on things that are pebbles. In order to make room to do the things on my list - and do them well - there are many things that I need to consciously choose not to do. Coming up soon - my list of things I don't do.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear about the things in your life on which you place priority and how you manage them!

on the homefront

2010-09-23T17:40:00.000-07:00

The Maurer house has been filled with craziness (literally and figuratively) lately, so I thought it was about time to update everyone on said craziness.

Shawn: Is busy. He seems to be handling adjusting to a family of four really well and is enjoying being the Dad to two very sweet boys. Jude's becoming more of a Daddy's boy with each passing day, even asking "Da huh-home?" when he hears the garage door. These boys really have no idea how lucky they are.

Jen: In a nutshell, I'm tired down to my bones. I had my six week checkup today, and while overall things are good, it appears that one of my tears over healed. You know what that means, right? Yep. I'm Superwoman. Only Superwoman would have the power to "over heal." Pretty good logic, I'd say. Even though I'm Superwoman, the doctor said I needed to wait two more weeks until exercising normally. Boo.

Jude: Actually just fell out of his toddler bed twice tonight. Poor thing, he finally works up the nerve to sleep in the bed and then he falls right out. Guess we'll be shopping for bed rails tomorrow.

Cohen: Is growth spurting, which means he's wanting to eat every two hours - hence me being exhausted. He's doing a great job of learning to hold his head up and is becoming more interested in his surroundings. He gave us his first smile about a week ago and has even given us a couple of laughs, which are just adorable.

Speaking of growth spurt, Cohen needs to eat again!

do. everything. better.

2010-09-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

I had read a friend's blog post recently referring to the book Bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way by Shauna Niequist. Anne had written a list of things she does and things she doesn't do in the spirit of the author. Since I read Anne's blog post, I've been slowly marinating on that idea and where my priorities fall. A few weeks later, Anne recommended the book to me, and I just so happened to be looking for something to read beyond Dr. Suess. My time to actually read for myself is limited, but I just felt like my soul needed something. I ordered Bittersweet, and within less than a day of receiving it, I'm already going to blog about it. That's just how I roll.

Anne has great taste in books, so I expected to be challenged, but I didn't expect to find some of my most personal thoughts and struggles written by a stranger. After allowing myself a bit more time to think it through, I'd like to make a list of things I do and don't do similar to the author's. Until then, the following excerpt is a precursor to the author's list, and one of the many passages that made me wonder if she had been reading my thoughts.

And for the record, when I read blog posts that include long quotes from books, I tend to skim and sometimes not even read the thing at all. Just know that this post is just as much for me to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. So while I personally feel like Ms. Niequist's words are compelling, I completely understand if you check out now.

I'm a list-keeper. I always, always have a to-do list, and it ranges from the mundane: go to the dry cleaner, go to the post office, buy batteries; to the far-reaching: stop eating Henry's (her son) leftover Dino Bites, get over yourself, forgive nasty reviewer, wear more jewelry.

At one point, I kept adding to the list, more and more items, more and more sweeping in their scope, until I added this line: DO EVERYTHING BETTER. It was, at the time, a pretty appropriate way to capture how I felt about my life and myself fairly often. It also explains why I tended to get so tired I'd cry without knowing why, why my life sometimes felt like I was running on a hamster wheel, and why I searched the faces of calmer, more grounded women for a secret they all knew that i didn't. This is how I got to that fragmented, brittle, lonely place: DO EVERYTHING BETTER.

Each of the three words has a particular flavor of poison all its own. Do: we know better than do, of course. We know that words like "be," and "become," and "try," are a little less crushing and cruel...But when we're alone sometimes and the list is getting the best of us, we abandon all those sweet ideas, and we go straight to do, because do is power, push, aggression, plain old sweat equity. It's not pretty, but we know that do gets the job done.

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.

This winter, I got the kind of tired that you can't recover from, almost like something gets altered on a cellular level, and you begin to fantasize about what it would be like to just not be tired anymore. You don't fantasize about money or men or the Italian Riviera. All you daydream about is not feeling exhausted, about neck muscles that don't throb, about a mind that isn't fogged every single day. I was talking to my husband about it in the car one night. I was complaining about being tired, but also bringing up the fact that lots of women travel and work and have kids. Everybody has a house to clean. Why can't I pull it together?

He said, gently, ostensibly helpfully, something along the lines of "you know honey, just because some other people can do all that, it doesn't mean that you can or have to. Maybe it's too much for you."

One tiny, almost imperceptible beat of silence. And then I yelled, viscerally, from the depths of my soul, as though possessed, "I'M NOT WEAK!"

As soon as the words came out, we looked at each other in alarm. It seemed, perhaps, we'd hit upon the heart of something. One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction.

And then better. Better is a seductress. It's so delicious to run after better, better, better. Better is what keeps some women decorating and redecorating the same house for years on end...Better is what makes us get "just a little work done," after the last baby, you know, or just to look a little bit fresher and more well-rested. Better is a force.

The three together, DO EVERYTHING BETTER, are a super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul-shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives. The "do everything better" way of living brought me to a terrible place: tired, angry, brittle, afraid, hollow.

cousins

2010-09-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

While Jenn was taking Jude's 18 month shots and some maternity photos for us, she agreed to sneak in a few pictures of Jude and two of his cousins who were in town at the time (yeah, she's basically amazing like that). It was no small feat to get all three in the same frame, much less looking relatively happy at the same, but that Jenn has some skillz.

sneaky mcsneakerson

2010-09-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

I wasn't allowed to wear makeup until I was a freshman in high school. Lipstick? Nope. Mascara? Nope. Concealer? Nope. I have no doubt that my tantrums at the injustice were monumental, especially since most of the other girls in my class had been experimenting with makeup since we were in 6th grade. Yet there I was, one of the few fresh faced 8th graders left. In retrospect, I'm grateful to have missed out on the trend of wearing eyeliner so thick it brings to mind a raccoon who got into a bar fight, but at the time I felt like like my makeup-less face was horribly naked.

The worst part of not being able to wear makeup was that any blemishes I had couldn't be hidden with concealer. Nope, my acne was a big, flashing, neon sign right smack on my face that read, "PUBERTY!" To be fair, my face was actually pretty clear - most likely a nice side effect of not wearing pore clogging makeup. But oh, the inhumanity when I did get a blemish.

One day in 6th or 7th grade, I decided that I'd had enough. I knew there was no way I could sneak wearing makeup past my Mom, but something had to be done about the breakout on my face. After babysitting one Saturday afternoon, I took my pay and rode my bike into town (I grew up in a small town in rural Indiana). I brazenly walked into the one pharmacy in town and with a quick look over my shoulder, made a beeline for the face care aisle. Glancing over the products, I grabbed a product from Clearasil titled "Advanced Acne Zapper," or something equally ridiculous. I do remember clearly that it was Clearasil because I remember seeing the commercials of perfectly complected youth and deciding that particular product would obviously solve all of my problems.

I bought the breakout cream, stuffed it into my bag, and rode home. That night, after everyone had gone to bed, I carefully read the label and instructions, and applied the miracle cream. I went to bed, but couldn't get one phrase out of my head. Somewhere on the bottle, I'd read the words, "highly flammable." Over the next two days my mind churned that phrase over and over, until I just couldn't take it a single moment longer. Tears welling up in my eyes, I confessed it all to my Mom. I couldn't take having this weighty secret over my head and had no choice but to confess. I told her every sordid detail - from the saving of my babysitting money, to the biking into town, to the application after hours. And then I said, "And the worst part of it all is that I read that it's highly flammable. I'm so afraid that I'll put this on my face, and go to pull something out of the oven, and my face will catch on fire!"

That's right. I was legitimately afraid that my face was going to catch on fire the next time I baked cookies.

I'm a little amazed that my Mom didn't bust out laughing. No, Mom sweetly explained that my face was most likely free from spontaneous combustion, and let me know that she appreciated my honesty. I'm fairly certain that she gave me permission to continue using the product, but with a mind wracked with guilt every time I looked at that Clearasil bottle, I tossed it.

Even though he's not quite two, Jude has already displayed this tendency to tell on himself. As he's playing in another room, I'll often know that he requires discipline when I hear him telling himself, "No, no no!" (which sounds more like Nyo nyo nyo!). Bare in mind of course, that him saying "no" doesn't actually stop him from doing whatever he knows he's not supposed to do, but he proceeds to tell on himself nonetheless.

Jude also has a look that is a dead giveaway that he's getting ready to misbehave. In fact, there have been many times that I haven't noticed that he's doing something I've asked him not to until he gives me that look. I barely have a chance to think "why is he looking at me funny?" before I realize that he's waiting for me to notice his misdeeds. The sweet boy tilts his chin down to his chest, his face gets dead serious, and his eyes shift to looking at me from one corner. It's really kind of a ridiculous face, and alerts me quickly that he's working on being mischieveous.

I love that Jude has a hard time being willfully disobedient without telling me about it. I know right now his disobedience pertains to things like slamming his trains down and playing with the vacuum cleaner, but I also know that it'll soon be things like trying alcohol with friends and cheating on a test. I pray that he remains forthcoming with us, and I pray that our reactions are always rooted in love and patience. And if he ever tells me he's afraid his face will catch on fire while baking cookies, well...I can only pray that I won't laugh out loud.

what's that?

2010-09-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

You say you need some more Jude-a-bug-ness in your life? Well, don't we all? Okay, okay, if you insist (and the photo laden posts have ~~everything~~ nothing to do with the fact that I'm barely sleeping at night, so coherent thoughts are few and far between):

more photos

2010-09-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

randoms

2010-09-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

1. Shawn preached a few weeks ago during two of Pinedale's Sunday morning services. He doesn't often preach, but is really pretty dang good at it. He and Jon (the High School minister) spoke about family, teenagers, and specifically family ministry. Like any good preacher, Shawn uses our family for a couple of illustrations. It's always interesting to me to hear Shawn's perspective on our family. If you're interested in hearing Shawn preach, then CLICK HERE. The message is from 8/29 and is titled For The Win.

2. It would appear that after almost two and a half weeks, Jude has transitioned from his crib to his toddler. And by "his toddler bed," I mean the floor. We put him in his bed for both his naps and bedtime, and he promptly crawls out and falls asleep on either the floor or the rocker/recliner in his room. As long as he's not screaming for an hour, banging on the door, and calling our names before he falls asleep on said floor, I'm cool with that.

I figure that you rarely see a thirty year old who refuses to sleep in his big boy bed, so I have faith that he'll one day sleep in his bed just fine. Between having a newborn and Jude's screaming before bed and waking up in the middle of the night crying, things at the Maurer house were hairy there for awhile. Thankfully the worst of Jude's fit throwing happened while Shawn's parents were here. They were such an incredible blessing in helping us understand that if we kept going in to soothe him, he'd keep crying to get what he wanted. I think my willpower to outlast Jude was worn down by that point, so having them here as backup during that period could not have been better timing.

3. I may be off my rocker, but I've decided to start weaning Jude from the paci. He'll still get it at naptime and bedtime, and possibly occasionally when he's tired cranky in the car (his screams in the confined space of a vehicle are like nails on chalkboard to me sometimes). Other than that, Cohen will be the only pacifier-ed person in the household. Except for me...but only on my bad days. Luckily, Cohen isn't a fan of the Nuk pacifiers that we use for Jude and much prefers the Soothie brand. It hasn't been difficult for Jude to distinguish which pacis are his and which are Cohen's, so we just need to hide Jude's pacis and do our best to distract him and remain firm when he asks for it. Hopefully this will be an easy transition, but realistically - very few transitions with Jude are easy. I'm bracing myself.

4. Jenn Lewis from Photographic Memories came to the house a few days ago to take some newborn photos of Cohen. I've only seen a couple, but I can already tell you that they are priceless. Words cannot describe how great she is at what she does, and how immeasurably blessed we are that she thinks our kids are cute enough to photograph. I have some maternity photos, Jude's 18 month photos, and Cohen's hospital pictures, but I'm having a hard time uploading more than one at a time. I'll try to add a couple to each of the posts I do for awhile since I can't seem to get as many as I'd like in one post.

dairy schmairy

2010-09-12T13:40:00.001-07:00

Dairy is one of the biggest food groups of my diet - just under caffeine, in fact. I was apparently sensitive to dairy as a baby and was put on soy formula. I outgrew it though, and the only way I'm currently affected is that I can't have any milk, ice cream, or large quantities of cheese within 24 hours before going for a run. My mom is also sensitive to dairy and drinks soy milk and avoids ice cream. If Jude drinks a sippy full of cow's milk, we end up with a very cranky toddler on our hands, so he drinks either soy or lactose free milk. He's fine to have moderate amounts of yogurt and cheese on a daily or every other day basis, and I fully expect him to completely outgrow it by the time he's an adult.

So when I noticed that Cohen is especially gassy, has some constipation issues, has a stuffy nose, and spits up out of his nose often, my first instinct was that he may be sensitive to the diary I'm eating. I consciously avoided dairy for two or three days, and I was starting to see a less gassy, less spitty-up, and more content Cohen. I decided yesterday to have two bowls of cereal and a slice of cheese on my turkey sandwich, and I paid for it last night in the form of a fussy Cohen.

So starting today (minus the cream I had in my coffee this morning before I was thinking clearly enough to realize that it contained dairy), I'm embarking on a one to two week dairy fast. I may be wrong and Cohen's gas may just be normal baby gas pains, so this fast is to help us determine if I need to avoid dairy as I continue breastfeeding, or if we need to be looking for another culprit. I had just been avoiding milk, cheese, and yogurt, but I probably need to stay away from any kind of dairy in order to have the most accurate picture.

Once I see if the diary fast is making a difference, I'll start adding dairy back into my diet to see what Cohen can and can't tolerate. Apparently sometimes the dairy sensitivity in babies is mostly caused by young and immature stomachs, so I can always try to have milk again when Cohen is three months old, and again when he's six months old.

Giving up dairy is NOT easy for me. But I happen to love Cohen and sleep more than I love dairy. Which is saying a lot, because I really love dairy.

emotional recovery

2010-09-11T08:41:00.001-07:00

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Cohen, one of my biggest fears was postpartum depression. If you've experienced depression - especially PPD - you're more likely to deal with it after subsequent births, and that fact hung over my head like a cloud. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I did my best to organize my life (freezing meals, working ahead on budget, taking a Serwa Chic maternity leave, etc.) as if my head would be floating around in a thick fog for a couple of months - as that was how I felt after I had Jude. I knew this time around I didn't have the luxury of being too stubborn to ask for help or take medicine if needed - you might be able to hide depression from an infant, but a toddler can't help but feel the effects of a Mommy who isn't okay.

I've spent the past four weeks carefully watching myself - checking my emotions, making sure I get as much sleep as possible, and monitoring any feelings of being overwhelmed or irrationally frustrated. Shawn has been purposeful to check in with me, and has been awesome about making calls for help when I'm feeling overly tired, sad, or overwhelmed. When Cohen was about two weeks old, I had two or three days that scared me. I hadn't been getting much sleep and was dealing with a personal issue that was consuming. I found myself spacing out, shutting down, crying easily, getting angry easily, and feeling like I was emotionally sinking. I thankfully came out of it, but I tell you that only to say that I kind of feel like I'm working to out-run postpartum depression. I fear that if I go several days without enough sleep, if I let frustrations or day to day decisions overwhelm me, if I don't ask for help when I need it, or if I keep my emotions and thoughts bottled up, that PPD will catch up with me. And I worry that if I let it catch up, I won't be able to get away and it will consume me.

To clarify, I don't think I'm dealing with PPD this time around. I have so much joy that I just didn't have when Jude was an infant. Beyond the usual Mommy Brain, I'm able to think clearly and make rational decisions. I'm not overwhelmed when Cohen cries, I'm not crying for no reason, I'm not getting irrationally angry, and I'm able to feel happy, excited, and content. It's incredible how much easier taking care of a newborn is when you're not coping with PPD.

But while I'm feeling great right now, I know that I'll have a bad morning, afternoon, or even whole day. I know I'll get tired and impatient, and probably even weepy. I also know that just because I'm okay at four weeks postpartum, I'm not immune from finding myself once again battling postpartum depression when Cohen is two months old...four months old...or even six months old. I know how easily a bad day can turn into a bad week, which can turn into a bad month. I'm doing my best to say ahead of PPD. I'm doing what I can and am thankful that Shawn is doing what he can to keep me from that slippery slope. At the moment, I'm outrunning postpartum depression, and my earnest prayer is that I can look back in a year at this time of our lives without regret, but with joy at watching our new family grow and change.

a letter to cohen

2010-09-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Cohen,

Can you believe that you are four weeks old today? Four short weeks ago, I looked into those eyes for the first time, held your tiny hands for the first time, and snuggled you close to me. The past four weeks have seen a lot of changes for you! I mean obviously - you went from inside my womb to outside it - but a lot has changed for you even beyond that. You're starting to pick up your head more and want to look around at everything going on. You're scooching a little on your tummy, and you've just begun grasping small objects.

Physically, you're changing tons too! Your hair is lightening up a little - I think it'll be blonde like your brother's before long. I love bath nights with you because your hair is super soft and downy (plus bath nights make you extra snuggly). Your eyes have remained blue, but you've lost the ring of broken blood vessels around the iris. Thank goodness - that ring of red around your eyes would've gotten creepy had it stayed! You're getting longer and putting on weight with each passing day. We don't have an official weight, but according to our bathroom scale you're right between 9.5 and 10 lbs. You're nursing really well, but have some serious constipation issues. I'm actually giving up dairy for a bit to see if that helps. Yep, THAT is just how much I love you, sweet son.

We've begun transitioning you from sleeping in Mommy's arms at night to sleeping in your crib. We've done two nights so far. Night one was fantastic (you woke up at 2:30 to eat and while you fussed for a bit afterwards, then slept from 4:00-6:30 but didn't want to eat until 7:30), though Night Two was a bit less fantastic. Hopefully you'll get the hang of things soon!

You and Jude seem to still be getting along well so far. He likes to play with your feet while I'm nursing you, and he happens to think your hands and feet are hilarious. My prayer is that this is only one of the many things you two do to make each other laugh. Your brother really does love you very much. You were crying yesterday, and Jude took out his pacifier and offered it to you. I know you don't understand what a big deal that is, but Cohen - that paci is Jude's current prized possession. By offering you his pacifier, he was pretty much offering you the most important thing in his world. That's how much your big brother loves you. Don't worry, he won't always show you his love by giving you his pacifier. Hopefully.

So on your first month birthday, Cohen-Bear, I just want you to know how much Mommy and Daddy love you. In fact, you could say that we're crazy about you. We're crazy about your long fingers and toes, about the little noises you make when you sleep and eat, about your big eyes, and about the way your hair naturally falls into a pretty amazing faux hawk. In fact, we can't imagine ever having lived our lives without you. We love you so much, Cohen. Happy One Month!

Daddy and Cohen

2010-09-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

You could say he's in love...

push present

2010-08-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of a push present? I'm pretty sure Shawn thinks I made up the entire idea. The basic gist is that a woman receives a nice present after she gives birth - usually some kind of jewelry. I can be a little picky about my jewelry, so I decided that instead of getting a necklace, I'd like a new handbag. I bought my red handbag soon after Jude was born, and it was getting more than a little worn. I figure if I keep buying a new bag with each child, I'll get a new one every two years at the rate we're going. So without further ado, behold my push present:

old school sunday

2010-08-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

People have been telling us how much Jude and Cohen look alike, but it's hard for us to remember what Jude looked like in those early weeks. Here are the photos we have of Jude's first couple of weeks of life. So does Cohen look like Jude? You be the judge!

sweetness

2010-08-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

jude & cohen

2010-08-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, seeing their two names together like that still seems a little strange!

Thus far, Jude has done astonishing well with Cohen. We do our best to give Jude as much focused attention as we can, but it's significantly less than he's used to. He hasn't exhibited any signs of jealousy (yet...I'm sure it's coming at some point though), and actually wants to comfort Cohen when he's crying. Of course, Jude's version of comforting is to try and hand Cohen a car or a sippy cup. I'll take it, though.

Overall, Jude vacillates between not really caring what's going on with Cohen and being curious about why he's crying or how we're changing his diaper. I'm grateful that we haven't had to deal with a lot of jealousy issues so far, but I'm not naive enough to think it'll always be like this. Soon enough, I'm sure I'll be hearing, "Moooommmm! Cohen took my train!" For now, I'm enjoying that each boy is pretty content to live in his own little world.

We picked up Jude on our way home from the hospital, and he was pretty intrigued by his new friend in the backseat:

The nurse gave Jude an "I am a BIG brother" sticker, which Jude promptly put on his head. Just to make sure everyone knows, I guess:

our family

2010-08-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

My good friend and very talented photographer friend, Jenn came to the hospital the evening after I gave birth to Cohen to capture those sweet moments of our new family all together for the first time.

Jude meeting Cohen for the first time. Just one day before I had been marveling at how small Jude's hands were, and they now looked gigantic when he laid it on Cohen's side.

It's an indescribable feeling - to know that your heart has just doubled its size in love.

old school sunday

2010-08-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

As we watch Cohen grow, it's been fun to look back to those first few days we had with Jude:

recovery

2010-08-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

While this may not be the case for every postpartum woman, I've been surprised that recovering after Baby #2 is infinitely easier than recovering after Baby #1. I actually tore more this time around, but am able to move with much more ease than I could at this point with Jude. I remember crying every time I peed, and have been pleasantly surprised at my painless peeing. I think this might be a good time to remind you that any filter I may have had is effectively gone at this point - worn down by both exhaustion and the general invasion of privacy that is childbirth.

Anyway, so my physical recovery has been easier than I ever would have thought or expected.

Wanna know my secret? Whiskey. On the rocks, straight up, with a twist:

Just kidding. I don't even actually know what most of those words mean. The only thing I can think that has made a difference is just that this was my second labor, and my body is able to heal a little more quickly. Maybe? I don't know. I'm just grateful - the physical recovery was one of the things I was dreading. I still have to take it easy and can't pick Jude up or run after him as much as I'd like, but it's nice to not be in as much pain as I expected.

And while I'm talking about recovering, here are the only two pictures we got of our guests who visited at the hospital (though we had many more than two visitors), Brittany and Kayla:

And now since both Jude and Cohen are napping peacefully, I think I'll grab a nap myself!

birth pics

2010-08-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I don't have any photos of the actual labor process because we were all a little shocked at how quickly things were going, and were focusing on well...laboring. By the time Shawn, Rhonda, and I had time to catch our breaths and even think about photos, Cohen was born! Here are the precious photos we were able to get of those moments immediately after Cohen made his arrival:

"He looks like your Gramma," was Shawn's response when I asked if he looked like the name Cohen would suit him. I'm sorry Mom, but the name "Betty" just didn't seem quite right:

Falling in love:

Being sewn up while Shawn gave Cohen some loving:

Everything went so quickly that we didn't even have a chance to call our family until Cohen was already here:

Sweet, sweet baby boy:
We are officially home from the hospital and had our first night at home last night. Jude's done so well with Cohen, though it's already not easy to juggle the needs of both. We're waiting for Cohen to begin the screaming fest that we had with Jude as a baby, but so far he's a very low maintenance newborn. Our biggest issue right now is that the sweet boy just doesn't want to eat very often. We're making an appointment tomorrow to see the pediatrician though, so we'll see what's going on. My posts will most likely be very sporadic for the next little bit, but I'm excited to start uploading some photos and sharing more of how having two under two is going!

birth story, part two

2010-08-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

Around 4:45 am, Shawn and I headed to our hospital - carefully running red lights and getting there as quickly as possible. I continued to groan through the contractions, and also continued to feel perfectly fine between them. A couple of weeks ago, I read that emitting a low groan when you're having contractions is much more effective than letting out yells or screams (I did a lot of screaming in pain with Jude). Apparently keeping your tone low helps you feel more in control. I thought it was kind of bull hockey when I read it, but gave it a go anyway. For me at least, it really did help.

On our way into the hospital from the car, I stopped once to lean over a bike rail through a contraction, but was still fine to walk and talk before and after. Shawn and I got to triage, I got changed and got my vitals checked, and was told that I was dilated to a "4" at 5:10am. I had a feeling that I probably wasn't super far along, so I was okay with things seemingly going slowly. The doctor requested that rather than send me home, I take some time to do some walking to see if we could get things progressing. As I was sitting up in the bed and putting on my shoes to start walking, I mentioned that I had a headache and asked if I could get some Tylenol. The headache caused the nurse to check my blood pressure, which was a little high. She continued checking for about twenty minutes, and it was apparently only getting higher - so walking was out of the question! I stayed in triage while they set up my birthing room, and leaned over the bed - groaning and swaying- while Shawn rubbed my lower back to get through each contraction. I was starting to feel a little nauseated after the contractions and was also beginning to feel more worn out in between. Rhonda brought me a wet rag to put over my head (I still had that dang headache), so I laid in the bed in between contractions with the rag on my forehead and rested.

Once the birthing room was ready and I was wheeled in, the contractions picked up pretty significantly. I had been saying that I'd like an epidural in a bit, but they needed to do some blood tests to make sure everything was okay with my blood pressure and I could handle it. While I waited for the tests, I did my best to focus on getting through each contraction. I remember desperately wanting to get up and lean on the edge of the bed, but I wasn't allowed. I eventually figured out that laying on my side and kind of swaying my legs and hips back and forth helped me get through.

I've heard women talking about being in a zone through natural childbirth, and I guess that's kind of what you'd say I felt. I had Rhonda and Shawn on either side of me through each contraction, and I honestly don't remember too much of what they said. Every once in awhile though, I would feel like I was on the edge of sanity, and someone would say something that would snap me back into thinking, "You can do this. You've got this, it's not that bad. You've got this." At one point Rhonda said something along the lines of, "Each contraction is bringing you closer to Baby Cohen, Jen," which got me through several difficult ones. I did my best to stop fighting against the pain and imagine it literally drawing my baby closer to me. I also focused on Jude, reminding myself that the pain I was feeling was very, very temporary compared to the joy of having sweet Cohen in my arms. I have a feeling that instead of tightening up my body (including my cervix) out of instinct with each contraction, I started to try and loosen myself up in anticipation of the pain bringing Cohen towards me.

And that, my friends would be when the figurative crap hit the fan.

My blood tests came back normal, so the sweet promise that the epidural would be coming soon got me through the next contraction or two. Because of the intensity of what I was feeling, the nurse offered me some Stadol to help take off the edge - about which I was extremely excited. I felt a little bit of an urge to push as I was having one of the contractions, but the fear of having to be checked made me keep that to myself until I felt the same urge with the next two. Because of the epidural, I never felt the urge to push with Jude, so I was also in a bit of disbelief. As my contraction was subsiding, I said to Rhonda, "I feel...I kind of feel like I need to..."

I saw Rhonda and the nurse give each other a look, and Rhonda asked, "You need to what, honey?"

"I feel like I need to push a little, but please don't let them check me while I'm having a contraction," I begged. During the next contraction, the nurse informed me that I wouldn't be able to receive the Stadol because if I was ready to deliver soon, there was a chance of it crossing the placenta. I was checked, and had progressed from a 4 to a 9 in about forty minutes. I was feeling an urge to push with each contraction, and began to ask for the anesthesiologist a bit more forcefully. I was so scared about pushing and probably tearing without any pain medication, and Shawn says that fear was written all over my face. Beyond that, the contractions were extremely, extremely painful and I was having a much more difficult time staying in control.

Without realizing it, I began singing (in my head) a song called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall. I couldn't remember all the words though, so I was focusing over and over on the line, "Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity," and through the worst of the contractions I was groaning, "My God, My God, My God, My God, My God." In the moment, I was trying to focus on asking Him for the strength and courage to do what seemed impossible before me. I hoped that each contraction would be last one without the epidural, and the anesthesiologist finally, finally, finally got there!

I sat on the edge of the bed and Rhonda gave me a pillow to hug while Shawn let me lean my head and arms into him. I remember feeling the strength in his arms and thinking that I could be strong because he was strong. The anesthesiologist seemed to take forever, and the urge to push was only getting more difficult to withstand. After a minute, I felt my water break, and the urge to push quickly intensified ten fold. By the time he had finished I couldn't help but bearing down when I felt the urge, and the delivery room suddenly turned into a flurry. The minute he finished, I was whirled around on my back, my feet were in stirrups, and the doctor plus several nurses were in the room.

I had kind of a moment of disbelief and remember thinking, "No. No way. It cannot possibly be time to push. This is way too soon!" It all felt incredibly surreal as I asked over and over, "When will the medicine kick in? I don't want to do this without medicine, when will it kick in???" Through the entire labor, I found it most helpful to not look at either Shawn or Rhonda. I knew that I would probably see sympathy and helplessness in their eyes, and I knew that'd give me permission to feel sorry for myself. I instead closed my eyes or focused on the wall or ceiling. Apparently at this point, I looked at Rhonda though, and pleaded, "Please make it stop." Rhonda replied, "It's going to stop. One way or the other." I'm sure she was much encouraging than that, but that's what my head heard and what reminded me that this was completely temporary and actually coming to an end soon.

The urge to push soon became so overwhelming that I couldn't deny it, so when the urge came - I pushed. In a weird way, it was a relief and actually felt good to just let my body go and do what it felt it needed to do. The most pain I felt was when Cohen's head was crowning, and I'm pretty sure I said something like, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"

Had I been someone else in the room, I think I would've chuckled at that. Not only could I do it, but I was.

In the next push, I could feel his shoulders coming through, and with one more push he was out. I'm guessing I pushed maybe five times...and that's a high guess. I will never forget the feeling of pushing that baby out of my body, and the immediate sense of absolute relief I felt. As soon as I saw him being taken to the warmer, I did a very strange giggle/cry for a few minutes. I knew I probably sounded ridiculous, but I really couldn't help it - I was in complete and utter shock at what I had just done. I found strength I didn't know I possessed, and did something I didn't think I was capable of. Once I looked at the clock, I also realized that I had just had a three and a half hour labor, and couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous that was.

Thankfully the epidural kicked in at that point, so while I could feel the placenta being delivered, I only felt small pinches when the doctor sewed up my two second degree tears. Cohen was cleaned up and Shawn held him while I was sewn and cleaned. Within probably ten minutes of giving birth, I was suddenly more exhausted than I've ever been. I'm not sure if I was worn out, or if it was a result of the hormones released in giving birth naturally, but I held Cohen and it was all I could do to not take a nap.

He has some slight facial bruising, some broken blood vessels in his eyes, and initially had some swelling from his rocket-like trip, but each of those things are temporary and are getting better. He's perfect and sweet and is absolutely amazing!

I'll update when I get a chance about how Jude has reacted to Cohen, how Shawn and I are feeling, what we can see of Cohen's personality so far, and all that other good stuff - but for now, I'm going to rest.

introducing...

2010-08-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Cohen Bennett Maurer! Cohen was born at 7:10am on Thursday, August 12th, 2010. The name Cohen means "priest," and the name Bennett means, "blessed little one."

I really want to get Cohen's birth story in writing before I start to forget details, so I hope you don't mind if I post it here. Fair warning - this will be filled with all sorts of gross details. Feel free to stop reading if you're squeamish.

I had what felt like an extra cranky day yesterday (Wednesday), and when I tried to explain it to Shawn, I really couldn't. I knew I was uncomfortable and hot, I knew I was tired of the waiting game, and I knew the fear of postpartum depression was looming over me, but I just couldn't articulate why my day was so rough. As you might've read from my previous post, Jude knew exactly what I needed and managed to melt away all of those issues with just one hug and two kisses.

Shawn came home from church, and while we tried our best to stay up for our favorite Wednesday night show (Psych), we both decided to call it a night around 10:15. At exactly 3:33 (I remember looking at the clock), I woke up with a contraction much stronger than any of the others I'd been feeling. I laid in bed until a second one passed (about ten minutes later), and then got up to see if emptying my bladder would help. Once I crawled back into bed, I felt two more within about fifteen minutes and they were strong enough that I needed to move to my side and kind of groan through them.

Shawn has never let me forget that I labored for a little over an hour with Jude while he slept soundly, so per his request I made sure I woke up him to tell him that I was going to start timing them. I was trying to not jump the gun, but I knew that these were very different and I had a gut feeling that we'd end up in labor that night. I timed the contractions for about forty minutes, and they were coming at about every 5-7 minutes. They quickly turned to contractions that made me stop what I was doing and do a kind of breathing/groaning thing.

These contractions were a bit different than my ones with Jude. With Jude, the contractions were one on top of each other immediately, and I never really got much of a break in between. In fact, when the contractions DID take a break, my stomach was so sore that I was still in pain. My contractions with Cohen were intense while I was having them, but I felt perfectly normal once they stopped. In fact, I had a bit of an inward battle going. When I wasn't contracting, I was thinking, "I might be blowing this out of proportion. I feel just fine, I have a feeling we have plenty of time." Then when the contraction hit I thought, "Oh, heck no! This is some serious junk!"

So I woke Shawn up (who I think had probably been mostly awake, waiting on me to either come back to bed or tell him we needed to leave), and told him that I thought he had time to grab a quick shower. While Shawn showered, I packed the last few things for my bag, made the bed, and cleaned up the house. Shawn made fun of me -especially when I started cleaning the kitchen sink - but when I was feeling good I wanted to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of the pain. When I had a contraction, I would lean over either our bed or the kitchen table and rest my head in my forearms. I would sway a little bit and groan a low groan while Shawn rubbed my lower back. After about a minute, I'd feel like nothing had just happened and would go about getting things ready.

Shawn called Katie to come and stay with Jude, and I called Rhonda to meet us at the hospital. I still felt like we probably had plenty of time and wasn't very worried about getting there quickly. Shawn and I peeked in on Jude one last time, whispered our "I love yous," and headed off.

I'd like to complete this story in one go round, but it looks like Cohen has woken up! I'll be back to finish the story, I promise (and yes...the gross stuff is still to come).

i want to remember this

2010-08-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

In just a few short years (maybe even months!) this period of our lives will be a blur that I'll say went by entirely too quickly. While we're waiting to hold Baby Deuce in our arms, I've been focusing on really cherishing my time with Jude - soaking in his chubby little hands, his big blue eyes, and the way he runs with reckless abandon. I want to remember this.

Jude doesn't often give hugs, and tends to give kisses only when he deems it appropriate. My question of, "Can I have a kiss?" is most often met with a matter of fact, "No" and turning of his head. I've had kind of a long day today, and was really looking forward to getting him down for the night. Jude started showing symptoms of a cold today, so I was rushing around - trying to get his mattress propped up and the dehumidifier set up. Moving quickly through his night time routine, I read from his Children's Bible, gave him a final drink from his sippy, and turned off the lamp. After I told him it was time to pray, Jude stopped me short by leaning his head into my chest and wrapping his arms wide around my arms. I felt him squeezing to me tightly - giving me a hug. Then Jude looked up at me, took out his paci, and stretched his neck upwards towards me - his official "kissing" position.

Every worry, stress, and physical discomfort I'd felt that day melted away when I looked into those eyes, kissed those sweet lips, and felt those chubby little fingers clinging tightly to my upper arms. Putting his paci back in, Jude leaned in for another kiss, and then settled quietly into the crook of my arms.

We usually lay Jude down for the night when he's drowsy but still awake, in order to help him learn to fall asleep on his own. I have to admit that tonight I rocked him an extra long time. I took my time listening to his breaths becoming deeper, watching his eyes close, and feeling his body sinking into sleep. I won't be rocking him to sleep forever and while each stage of his life will hold sweet memories for me, I don't want to forget this one moment of tenderness that reminded me why everything...everything...is worth it.

if i had my way...

2010-08-09T05:02:00.000-07:00

The baby would totally be born today. Not only would it work out well for Shawn's schedule, but then the baby's birthday would be 8/9/10, which is just cool! I'm not really feeling a lot of contractions and babies are notorious for not caring about the convenience of their parents, so I'm not holding my breath.

Are you ready for the 5th clue of the baby's name?

1. The name is not associated with the Beatles

2. It's not a common name, but it's not a made up name

3. The name has the letter "E" in it

4. The name has the letter "H" in it

And number 5...

The name is of Hebrew origin! Woo -hoo, exciting stuff, huh? This baby better come soon, or you all will have guessed the name and keeping it a secret will be a moot point!

Alright Baby Deuce, feel free to come along today, dear son.

things never to say to a pregnant woman

2010-08-08T04:37:00.000-07:00

1. "Wow, you're huge! Are you about ready to pop?"

This one would seem pretty obvious, but it's amazing how many people (mostly men, it seems) think it's okay to say this to a pregnant woman. On the flip side, you really want to avoid ANY comment on a pregnant woman's size. I've had friends who didn't gain much weight at first and felt really self-conscious that they were doing something wrong or hurting the baby. People's well intentioned assertions of how small they still were only served to make their anxieties worse. To be safe, you just want to stick to something generic like, "You look great!"

2. "You know how to get that labor started, right?" Hint, hint, wink, wink, elbow, elbow.

Yes... we know you're talking about sex. There's no good way to answer when someone says that, and it's incredibly awkward for everyone involved. The only exception to this is that a good friend of the same gender can say this to the husband or wife - but not in the company of other people. And DEFINITELY not in front of your husband's Jr. High students.

3. "Well, don't go into labor on Thursday, 'cause I need your husband to do x, y, and z for me on Thursday."

While the pregnant woman might then say, "Oh, well I hope the baby waits until Friday, then!" she's probably thinking something along the lines of, "Seriously? Could you be anymore selfish or myopic?" Ummm...or maybe that's just me. Either way, the truth is that the statement IS selfish. I don't know about other pregnant women, but I'm extremely conscious of trying to not go into labor at a time that's inconvenient for Shawn's work. While I'm certain you could find at least five other people to do x, y, and z for you, I'm pretty sure I have only one option in my child's father. Let's not pretend that the birth of our second child can or should be planned around the tasks you have for my husband.

Ahem...stepping off my soapbox now.

4. "Ooooh! I just love to touch baby bellies, let me feel!"

Over my two pregnancies I've realized that I actually like when good friends or family just reach over and touch my belly - especially if the baby is moving. And I don't terribly mind when random people want to touch my belly, I just really appreciate when they ask first. You lose so much privacy and modesty throughout pregnancy, it's nice to at least pretend like your body isn't suddenly public property. That being said, some women get really angry when you just touch their belly - so always asking first is a good rule of thumb. Don't assume that pregnancy makes their bellies your property to touch.

5. "My labor was forty-three hours long, I pooped on the table, the epidural wore off, and then I actually gave birth to an alien."

Save your war stories for either a second time Mom or women who are not pregnant. First time Moms are so anxious anyway, telling them the worst of your labor is really just cruel. And as a good rule of thumb, you probably want to hold off telling second time Moms in their third trimester.

6. "You should have the baby on such and such day because my cousin's Aunt's best friend's Mom was born that day!"

I'm a total hypocrite on this one, because it's one of my pet peeves but I find myself doing it to other people. It's hard when you hear a date to NOT say that it's so and so's birthday that the Mama has never met or heard of. And yet, I told Shawn the other day that I'm tired of taking requests for this baby's birthday. Like most pregnant women, I don't care whose birthday is in two weeks, and it gets old hearing people tell you that you should wait until then to have the baby. "Yeah...probably not," is what I want to say.

Pregnant women are dealing with a lot. Their hormones are crazy, their bodies are huge, their anxiety is at its height, and somehow the social norms of what is acceptable to say to someone are thrown out the window as soon as she starts announce her bundle of joy. Take it easy on her, and put some thought into what you say!

crappiest clue ever

2010-08-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

As my friend Patrice said, anyway. Truth be told, Shawn and I really do want to keep Deuce's name a secret, so my clues are a little vague on purpose. Still - some of you have made some really great guesses, although the actual name has yet to be guessed! To help out with my apparently crappy clue yesterday, I thought I'd let you know that the photo from yesterday is actually going to be hanging in the nursery, alongside several others including this one:

It really IS so exciting to hear the names people come up with, and I have to admit that it's making the end of this pregnancy feel a little more fun.

After posting that I hadn't had many "real" contractions lately, I spent most of last night and this morning with contractions at every 20 minutes. My back, legs, and lower stomach were sore this morning from all the contracting I did last night. They've fizzled out this afternoon, so whether today will be Deuce's birthday or not is still anyone's guess. We here at the Maurer household are just waiting patiently for now and will be thrilled for him to arrive whatever day he happens to arrive.

cervical compliments

2010-08-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well friends, I'm still here and still pregnant! We had a Baby Deuce appointment this morning and the verdict is that nothing has really changed. I'm actually okay with this since I've had a significant reduction in painful contractions lately. I'm still having tons of Braxton-Hicks, but nothing that makes me stay up at night or need to do deep breathing. We talked a little about possible induction, but Shawn and I feel like we should wait until I'm 41 weeks along to induce, since it's entirely possible I'll go into labor beforehand. Our doctor said that at 39 weeks we're candidates for induction, but without medical cause, I just don't see the point. If Deuce is still nestled all snug in there at our appointment next Friday, we'll talk about scheduling something.

In the meantime, everything else looks perfect. The doctor said that my weight, blood pressure, and urine are awesome, and she also gave me more compliments on the favorability of my cervix than any woman should ever hear.

Since I feel like a puffer fish though, I guess it's nice to hear that something is lookin' good.

Shawn and I are having a lot of fun keeping people guessing about the baby's name. We always get a kick out of names our students come up with as possible candidates. So far, Demi Lovato Maurer has been my favorite. If you've been following along, then you know that:

1. It is a name that is not associated with the Beatles (as that's the first question people ask)

2. It's not a common name, but it's also not a made up name

And here is your third hint for Baby Deuce's name:

If you can guess his name based on those three hints, then you'll win some kind of awesome prize. Something super fun like...taking Baby Deuce for night duty so Shawn and I get some sleep one night. You know - I'm just generous like that.

After a few days of excessive Judeabug whining and watching his naps and nighttime sleep dwindle, I think I've come to the conclusion that he's getting his two year molars. He's been randomly signing "it hurts," has been chewing on his fingers and drooling, and has been waking up crying at night (which he hasn't done in a good long while). I felt his back gums this morning, and they're feeling a little swollen - so steady doses of teething tablets and Tylenol it is! I'm actually glad to have found a reason for his whining. It always helps me to be more patient with him when I understand that he's genuinely in pain and not just being a stinker. On top of that, he's probably super tired since he's just not sleeping well.

This is just another reason why I'm okay with waiting a bit to have this baby. Having a newborn and a teething toddler is really just a combination I'm alright with avoiding. Besides the teething issue, Jude is getting simultaneously sweeter and more precocious as each day passes. I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of big brother he is, to watching him adjust, and to watching him and Baby Deuce grow as friends.

Before I know it, I'll be logging into Blogger to update you all that Demi Lovato Maurer is here!

39 weeks!

2010-08-04T04:37:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe, but I am 39 weeks pregnant as of today. I know I say this often, but I feel like it was just yesterday that I sat across the kitchen table from Shawn and said, "I think I might be pregnant." I'm not sure that even now I've wrapped my mind around the fact that we'll soon be bringing home a newborn and our family will be a family of four. Yet here I sit - a rounded belly, a nursery ready, and a hospital bag packed.

I have to say that I have been doing considerably better since I whined yesterday. I was able to actually sleep for about twenty minutes while Jude napped yesterday and with the help of some Tylenol PM, I mostly slept through the night last night. I also realized that a big part of my migraines were because I'm grinding my teeth when I sleep (probably contributing to my lack of sleep, too). I used my mouth guard (I know....sexy!) last night and did NOT wake up with a headache! I still have this cold/cough deal, but with some decent sleep and no headache, that's nothin'. So many of you called/emailed/stopped by to check on me, and I really, really appreciate it. It was just one of those days where I felt overwhelmed and tired. I'm certain it won't be the last time, but I'm so blessed that so many people cared enough to make sure I was okay and give me suggestions for how to handle it all.

I'm hoping today to spend some time loving on Jude, make some peach muffins, do some ministry, and rest up for impending labor. Our next appointment is Friday morning, so if we don't go into labor before then, I'll be sure to update with any news!

all bets are off

2010-08-03T04:41:00.000-07:00

I've been trying really hard to not complain throughout the pregnancy, and truthfully - I haven't had a lot to complain about. I still count myself grateful for a healthy pregnancy and being able to stay home, but I've definitely hit the miserable-end-of-pregnancy stage. I'm not sure why, but I've started having insomnia. Even though I'm exhausted, I can't sleep at night or for naps, I just lay in bed getting angrier and angrier with myself for not getting the sleep I know my body needs. I've had light migraines on and off for about a week now, which are just killing me and any productivity I might have. And then of course, I'm really starting to swell (my blood pressure is still very low, or else the headaches and swelling would make me want to be checked for preeclampsia) and I've been fighting a cold for about a week and a half now.

I think Jude may have my cold as he's been a little more whiny the past couple of days...his high pitched whining and my headaches/exhaustion have not been the most pleasant combination.

And then perhaps the worst of it all is that I realize the only way to stop these pregnancy symptoms is to have the baby. And I know that being pregnant is the easy part of having a baby - it's the newborn stage that is so challenging for me. So as tired and worn down as I'm feeling right now, I'm well aware that it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

And with that, I really will stop my pregnancy whining. Very soon I won't be pregnant any longer, and I'll miss feeling Baby Deuce move and being able to focus solely on Jude. Until then, I'll just keep plugging away! There - I'm all done with the whining!