Tuesday, March 1, 2011

i don't really like newborns

Subtitled: When are you going to have another baby?

In a recent study conducted by Maurer and Associates, it has been unequivocally proven with very technical and important sounding scientific data that the subject (one Jennifer S. Maurer) enjoys the newborn baby process exactly 92.7% less than when the baby is approximately six months and older. Our data was collected over a 2.5 year period using two minor subjects (Jude C. and Cohen B.). The study took into account the accumulating affects of lack of sleep, the labor recovery process, the wonky hormones, the breastfeeding pain, and the singular constant use of only one hand at a time because the newborn is always in the other arm (we observed many mornings of our test subject attempting to make coffee, do dishes, and fold laundry with one hand and determined it to be quite ridiculous looking). We likewise took into account the newborn baby smell, the way a newborn collapses on the subject's chest, and the tiny newborn baby cries. In sum, while the subject does enjoy a good newborn snuggle it would appear that she enjoys motherhood 92.7% more after six months.

I mean really, you can't argue with statistics like that, can you? So something happened right about the time Cohen started nearing his six month birthday. Even though PPD hasn't been the struggle it was last time, it was as if a fog started to lift off of my world. It's not like I was getting any more sleep or that much else had changed. I think (for me, at least) it just takes six months for the "newborn baby fog" to lift. Don't misunderstand - I really do love newborns. And of course, I love my children regardless of how they old are, how helpless they are, how much they cry, or how little they sleep. I do love many things about how tiny and sweet newborn babies are - I just don't really like them all that much.

When I see a mother with a newborn baby, I do not melt into a puddle of "I want annnnnoooother one. Can I just smell him? Please, Shawn, do you think we could have more?" Maybe this means I'm not fit for motherhood, but my thoughts are more along the lines of, "Oh that poor woman. She must be exhausted. Hang in there sweet lady, you'll sleep again one day, I promise." Something in me changed when both Jude and Cohen hit six months, and I happen to like it.

Do you think there's any chance I could talk to God about giving birth to a six month old who sleeps through the night next time around? 'Cause that may just make me reconsider my current "two is enough" policy.

No, you say? I guess I'll just have to settle for snuggling and sniffing other people's newborns, and being more than happy to hand the baby right back to the very exhausted happy parents.


  1. LOL, too funny. I'm waiting to see if I feel the same after this one. I'm hoping maybe it just was the first? But, like you, it could just be all newborns!

  2. haha! I'm the opposite - I like the "can't crawl, roll over, get into everything and anything" stages and am definitely one of those who pine over newborns giving my dear husband wanton looks of "can't we just try for one more, we're not too old," as I motion for him to hand me my walker....

    keep writing - you're good at it!

  3. I've been under the impression that its birth to age 1 that is for the birds. I've asked God to make it possible for me to birth a 1 yr old next time. Hmm..would the pain really be worth it? I agree, the 6 month fog is really bad.

  4. Amen Sister! I love how eloquently you described what you are feeling, mine never came out quite that well!!