i think you dropped this

**I feel the need to preface this blog post with saying that I, by no means, hold a corner on the Life Is Tough market. This post isn't to complain about my life or make it seem like I have things any tougher than anyone else. I just want to be honest and not hide behind my "others have it worse" face. **

I've kind of had a difficult week. There are a few things that factor into it, but truthfully, there's no one thing that is the cause. Jude's been a handful this week. He's either teething or a toddler. I'm worried about the future - both in a way that's completely logical and makes sense given the circumstances, but also in the way that I specialize with worry. Which is to say completely worst-case-scenario, all-consuming worry, stress, and fear. I'm worn out with life - so tired of doing and doing and doing and doing and having nothing to show for it but more stuff to do and more things to worry about. And then of course, I'm pregnant, so my hormones are wack-a-doo.

We're dealing with a lot in our family right now, and I'd say that 85% of the time I can truck along, take things day by day, and just deal with what's in front of me. But for whatever reason, that didn't work on Saturday. I lost it in a way I rarely do.

Saturdays and Sundays are usually Shawn's longest work days, so I was having one of those self-pitying days when I envy all the wives who have their husbands home to help on the weekends. Jude was being particularly fiesty, and I just wanted him to stop whining for five minutes. I'd just read something that I took entirely too personally and was getting fired up about it. I was - literally- overwhelmed with worry about the future, and I was trying to pin fabric with Jude tugging on my leg and head butting my knees. I looked around our house and saw clutter and chaos that I knew I wouldn't have a chance to address.

And all of a sudden, any pretenses of calm or patience I had vanished. I sat on one of our dining room chairs, put my head in my hands, and cried. I clenched my teeth and screamed, "Are you even listening? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING???"

Immediately, I realized that I didn't even mean those words. Of course He was listening. I thought back to all of the circumstances in my life through which He'd brought me, all of the mire out of which he'd dragged me, all of the blessings He'd poured out to me, and all of the discipline He'd lovingly given me. But sometimes it's hard to know He's there. It's hard to imagine why He won't swoop in and change everything with a wave of His wand. It's hard to feel close to Him when you're angry with Him.

I took a deep breath, wiped away the tears, stood up, and kept plugging away. Thankfully, Jude seemed unaffected by my outburst, and Shawn came home just a couple of hours later. He could see the weariness all over my face, and I asked if we could get out of the house for a little bit, so we decided to take a drive and pick up some ingredients we needed at the grocery store. We took the long way (the very long way - driving in a large circle basically) to the store, took advantage of Jude happily playing with his shoe in his car seat, and I just kind of vented to Shawn. By the time we got to the store, I was feeling better, lighter, and significantly less overwhelmed.

We walked around the grocery store, picked up the items we needed, and spent our energy making each other laugh by coming up with ridiculous baby names. After we checked out, we walked next door to an auto parts store to check on their ice scraper prices. With groceries and Jude in hand, we headed back out to the parking lot to load up for home. As Shawn was putting Jude in the car seat, I noticed a man walking purposefully towards us. I was trying not to stare him down, but was watching him from my peripheral vision because I wasn't quite sure what he was going to do. As he got closer, he held out his hand, and said, "I think you dropped this in the store."

I have a ridiculous amount of things in my purse, so I assumed he was handing me some old receipt or piece of paper that'd fallen out. Embarrassed, I said, "Oh, well thank you," and held out my hand to take what he had. It was only after I was holding it that I realized it was cash - with a quick glance I saw a $20 bill.

"Oh no," I said, holding it back out for him, "I don't think that was us, we don't usually carry cash." He started to back away quickly and said with a smile, "No, I think it was you guys," and turned around - walking to the other side of the parking lot.

Shawn and I got in the car, and I realized that he had handed me three $20 bills. "Honey," I said, "That guy just gave us $60!" We stared at each other for a second, mouths hanging open. I recounted the events for Shawn who'd been too distracted with Jude to catch most of the conversation, and we just sat in the car for a minute, shocked.

I have no idea who that guy was. Neither of us recognized him, and to the best of our knowledge, he didn't know us. We were looking at the clearance aisles, but as far as I remember, we didn't have any conversations about not being able to afford something or not having money for something-or-other.

And the truth is - $60 isn't going to fix our problems. It's a huge blessing, and I'm so grateful for that gentleman's generosity, but I recognize that it doesn't address all the things with which I was so overwhelmed. But as we were driving back home - still sitting in shocked silence - I heard Someone speaking to me.

"I do hear you, sweet child. I know this isn't easy, but I do have a plan for you. There's a purpose to this, I promise. I love you and I am listening."