do. everything. better.

I had read a friend's blog post recently referring to the book Bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way by Shauna Niequist. Anne had written a list of things she does and things she doesn't do in the spirit of the author. Since I read Anne's blog post, I've been slowly marinating on that idea and where my priorities fall. A few weeks later, Anne recommended the book to me, and I just so happened to be looking for something to read beyond Dr. Suess. My time to actually read for myself is limited, but I just felt like my soul needed something. I ordered Bittersweet, and within less than a day of receiving it, I'm already going to blog about it. That's just how I roll.

Anne has great taste in books, so I expected to be challenged, but I didn't expect to find some of my most personal thoughts and struggles written by a stranger. After allowing myself a bit more time to think it through, I'd like to make a list of things I do and don't do similar to the author's. Until then, the following excerpt is a precursor to the author's list, and one of the many passages that made me wonder if she had been reading my thoughts.

And for the record, when I read blog posts that include long quotes from books, I tend to skim and sometimes not even read the thing at all. Just know that this post is just as much for me to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. So while I personally feel like Ms. Niequist's words are compelling, I completely understand if you check out now.

I'm a list-keeper. I always, always have a to-do list, and it ranges from the mundane: go to the dry cleaner, go to the post office, buy batteries; to the far-reaching: stop eating Henry's (her son) leftover Dino Bites, get over yourself, forgive nasty reviewer, wear more jewelry.

At one point, I kept adding to the list, more and more items, more and more sweeping in their scope, until I added this line: DO EVERYTHING BETTER. It was, at the time, a pretty appropriate way to capture how I felt about my life and myself fairly often. It also explains why I tended to get so tired I'd cry without knowing why, why my life sometimes felt like I was running on a hamster wheel, and why I searched the faces of calmer, more grounded women for a secret they all knew that i didn't. This is how I got to that fragmented, brittle, lonely place: DO EVERYTHING BETTER.

Each of the three words has a particular flavor of poison all its own. Do: we know better than do, of course. We know that words like "be," and "become," and "try," are a little less crushing and cruel...But when we're alone sometimes and the list is getting the best of us, we abandon all those sweet ideas, and we go straight to do, because do is power, push, aggression, plain old sweat equity. It's not pretty, but we know that do gets the job done.

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. Sure, I can host that party. Of course, I can bring that meal. Yes, I'd love to write that article. Yes, to everything.

This winter, I got the kind of tired that you can't recover from, almost like something gets altered on a cellular level, and you begin to fantasize about what it would be like to just not be tired anymore. You don't fantasize about money or men or the Italian Riviera. All you daydream about is not feeling exhausted, about neck muscles that don't throb, about a mind that isn't fogged every single day. I was talking to my husband about it in the car one night. I was complaining about being tired, but also bringing up the fact that lots of women travel and work and have kids. Everybody has a house to clean. Why can't I pull it together?

He said, gently, ostensibly helpfully, something along the lines of "you know honey, just because some other people can do all that, it doesn't mean that you can or have to. Maybe it's too much for you."

One tiny, almost imperceptible beat of silence. And then I yelled, viscerally, from the depths of my soul, as though possessed, "I'M NOT WEAK!"

As soon as the words came out, we looked at each other in alarm. It seemed, perhaps, we'd hit upon the heart of something. One of my core fears is that someone would think I can't handle as much as the next person. It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction.

And then better. Better is a seductress. It's so delicious to run after better, better, better. Better is what keeps some women decorating and redecorating the same house for years on end...Better is what makes us get "just a little work done," after the last baby, you know, or just to look a little bit fresher and more well-rested. Better is a force.

The three together, DO EVERYTHING BETTER, are a super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul-shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives. The "do everything better" way of living brought me to a terrible place: tired, angry, brittle, afraid, hollow.