emotional recovery

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Cohen, one of my biggest fears was postpartum depression. If you've experienced depression - especially PPD - you're more likely to deal with it after subsequent births, and that fact hung over my head like a cloud. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I did my best to organize my life (freezing meals, working ahead on budget, taking a Serwa Chic maternity leave, etc.) as if my head would be floating around in a thick fog for a couple of months - as that was how I felt after I had Jude. I knew this time around I didn't have the luxury of being too stubborn to ask for help or take medicine if needed - you might be able to hide depression from an infant, but a toddler can't help but feel the effects of a Mommy who isn't okay.

I've spent the past four weeks carefully watching myself - checking my emotions, making sure I get as much sleep as possible, and monitoring any feelings of being overwhelmed or irrationally frustrated. Shawn has been purposeful to check in with me, and has been awesome about making calls for help when I'm feeling overly tired, sad, or overwhelmed. When Cohen was about two weeks old, I had two or three days that scared me. I hadn't been getting much sleep and was dealing with a personal issue that was consuming. I found myself spacing out, shutting down, crying easily, getting angry easily, and feeling like I was emotionally sinking. I thankfully came out of it, but I tell you that only to say that I kind of feel like I'm working to out-run postpartum depression. I fear that if I go several days without enough sleep, if I let frustrations or day to day decisions overwhelm me, if I don't ask for help when I need it, or if I keep my emotions and thoughts bottled up, that PPD will catch up with me. And I worry that if I let it catch up, I won't be able to get away and it will consume me.

To clarify, I don't think I'm dealing with PPD this time around. I have so much joy that I just didn't have when Jude was an infant. Beyond the usual Mommy Brain, I'm able to think clearly and make rational decisions. I'm not overwhelmed when Cohen cries, I'm not crying for no reason, I'm not getting irrationally angry, and I'm able to feel happy, excited, and content. It's incredible how much easier taking care of a newborn is when you're not coping with PPD.

But while I'm feeling great right now, I know that I'll have a bad morning, afternoon, or even whole day. I know I'll get tired and impatient, and probably even weepy. I also know that just because I'm okay at four weeks postpartum, I'm not immune from finding myself once again battling postpartum depression when Cohen is two months old...four months old...or even six months old. I know how easily a bad day can turn into a bad week, which can turn into a bad month. I'm doing my best to say ahead of PPD. I'm doing what I can and am thankful that Shawn is doing what he can to keep me from that slippery slope. At the moment, I'm outrunning postpartum depression, and my earnest prayer is that I can look back in a year at this time of our lives without regret, but with joy at watching our new family grow and change.