Since I wrote my list, I've been evaluating my daily activities in light of it and asking myself if what I'm doing contributes to one of those items (in a nutshell: God, Shawn, kids, myself, my home, ministry, my friends). If it doesn't feed into one of those things, then it's just a waste of my time and will not help make me and my life healthier. For example: Spending time on Facebook commenting on my Small Group girls' statuses? Worth it - It hopefully lets them know that I'm thinking about them in my day and it's a way that I can check in on what's going on with them. Spending time on Facebook looking at profiles of people I knew from high school, but barely remember? Not worth it - It's basically taking my time, wadding it up in a big old ball, and throwing it in the trash can. It's not helping my family or my relationship with God, it's not particularly edifying to me, it's not doing ministry, not investing in friendships, and is just helping me procrastinate from doing the dishes or laundry. And these days, I just don't have time to throw away. It's actually pretty incredible how much time I waste, not necessarily on sinful things, but just on things that in the long run don't matter and aren't ultimately one of my large stones.
So I'm basically just realizing that living a life of intentionality takes work, as it's much easier to live a life of wasted time. I've lived that life, and it's awful. I may have been doing a lot, but it's all with mediocrity, as opposed to doing a few things with excellence. So allow me to share with you the things in my life that I've just had to let go - things that I intentionally do not do in order to intentionally do the things I want to do (convoluted sentence writing is apparently on my list of things I do):
- I don't aim to take an award in dinner making. We don't have three course dinners, and Shawn and I split the cooking about 50/50. I don't usually have dinner waiting for Shawn when he gets home (although to be fair, that's largely because his schedule varies highly from day to day), and some days I consider a bowl of cereal to be a legitimate dinner option.
- I don't knit. I'm not sure why, but I have a lot of people in my life telling me that I should knit. It looks complicated and I have almost no time right now to learn a new skill. I have no doubt that it's relaxing, but I'd just as soon take a bubble bath or go for a run to get the same effect.
-I don't invest in friends who aren't friends. I don't have time to invest in friendships that are filled with criticism, gossip, and complaining. That's not to say I don't love those people - I just love them from a distance. If I'm going to invest in a friendship, I need it to be friends who challenge me to be a better child of God, wife, mother, and individual.
- I don't fuss much about my hair. I get it cut once every couple of years and occasionally hack some layers into it myself. I put some curling gel into it at some point after I shower, and that's it. A date might night might be cause to break out the curling iron, but that's as complicated as I get. You know that trendy bump thing girls have going on right now? Never gonna happen.
- I don't work full time. I know this might seem obvious, but it was a big step for me in arranging my life so that I could focus on my priorities with excellence. Now obviously being a stay at home Mom is a LOT of work, and I do own a small business, but letting go of my full time job was one of the best decisions we've made.
- I don't edit my photos beyond the occasional cropping. It's hard enough for me to find the time the actually get them off my camera and onto this blog in a timely manner, so you'll just have to endure the occasional red eyes and less than impressive lighting.
- I don't answer my phone if I'm spending quality time with God, Shawn, or my boys. I know this might be frustrating to some people, but the truth is that those four individuals come before anyone else in my life, and the least I can do is choose to make my quality time with them time that is undivided and undistracted. I'm realizing that lengthy phone conversations are a thing of the past for me right now (as it seems like one of the boys decides to fuss as soon as I pick up my phone), so I only call people who understand when I abruptly say, "I need to go, Jude just took off his diaper and is running around naked," or I have most of my conversations via text since I can text in between diaper changes, nursing sessions, disciplining, cuddling, cleaning, and the myriad of other things on my list.
- I don't wear makeup unless I'm leaving the house, and even then it's a 50/50 shot. I'm just not thinking Jude and Cohen care how luscious my eyelashes are or how plump my lips appear.
- I try my best not to overload our schedules with events, which is especially challenging to balance with ministry. Events include (but are not limited to): birthday parties, graduation parties, wedding showers, baby showers, football games, volleyball games, holiday parties, award ceremonies, concert recitals, and competitions. That's not to say we don't do those things, because we actually enjoy them and want to attend them. Beyond that, attending those events is just a part of investing in students and people, a critical part of our lives. After five years of ministry though, I've learned that you just have to say, "no" sometimes for the sake of your family and sanity. And truthfully, the reason for saying no doesn't always have to be because you have a scheduling conflict. Sometimes it's okay to say no just because you need an evening or two at home. On the flip side, it's also okay to occasionally haul both boys to those events, even if they are a handful the entire time- because it's important for them to know that ministry and family quality time can go hand in hand.
- I don't scrapbook, host fancy dinner parties, know the difference between Iraq and Iran, wash my car, go to the beach, watch the Bachelorette, vacuum more than once a week, read the newspaper, care about Lindsey Lohan's court appearances, or paint my nails.
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It's brutal, making the list of Things I Don't Do, especially for someone like me, who refuses most of the time to acknowledge that there is, in fact, a limit to her personal ability to get things done. But I've discovered that the list sets me free. I have it written in black and white, sitting on my desk, and when I'm tempted to go rogue and bake muffins because all the other moms do, I come back to both lists, and remind myself about the important things: that time is finite, as is energy. And that one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life. There is work that is only mine to do: a child that is ours to raise; stories that are mine to tell, friends that are mine to walk with. The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being.
-Shauna Niequist
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