years old

I used to relish the idea of growing older gracefully. I firmly believed there was no greater testimony to a life well lived than permanent marks on one's face displaying that she lived a life of laughter and smiles. To me, graying hair was evidence of wisdom gained from experience and was beautiful. I didn't particularly fear the aging process, and looked forward to the sense of self-confidence and maturity I was told would increase as my age increased.

I turned 29 years old a couple of days ago. For most of my 27th and 28th years of life, I completely forgot how old I was. When my age was discussed, I always had to ask Shawn, "Am I 27 or 28?" and usually had to count the years from 1981. So when I realized sometime in late November that I was quickly approaching my 29th birthday, I was surprised to feel some apprehension.

29.

Sure, I could acknowledge and still say that I was in my 20's, but there's no denying that 30 is right around the corner. And while 30 is - by no means - old, it's no doubt an adult. Not only am I now 29, but I'm 29 with two children and no career to speak of. My day to day is spent doing a thousand things nobody notices until I spend one day not doing it. I do hundreds of things from which I will not see results until my children are teenagers or even adults, and I'm not entirely sure I'm doing any one of those hundreds of things right. When I chose counseling as my major in college and began work at a non profit after marriage, I expected to be making a difference in the world. Instead, I now count it a good day if both boys are alive, fed, and relatively dressed (pants are optional). I did not expect to close my 20s and begin my 30s without the sense of confidence and determination that comes from knowing your work is valuable, having a boss who gives feedback (somehow, "Mommy not nice!" isn't quite the same), and seeing progress in meeting defined goals.

And then there's the fact that I'm a big, fat hypocrite. Because while I thought the idea of aging was lovely in theory, it turns out that I'm scrambling to not look like I'm getting older. I feel like I've been reminded in the preceding months that youthfulness is alluring, attractive, and irresistible. A 29 year old Mom of two worries herself with diaper rash, bill paying, coupons, libraries, milk supply, and opportunities to teach numbers. I thought I'd be thrilled to be finished with my teenage years, but I'm finding myself jealous of a teenager's ability to be youthful, naive, and carefree. I did not expect to close my 20s and begin my 30s carrying extra baby weight, still wearing maternity clothes, and doing everything I can to conceal the bags under my eyes.

For the first time in my life, I really wanted to forget about and not celebrate this birthday. However, I've had some time to process my overwhelming self-pity, insipid vanity, and myopic moping. My life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but besides that baby weight- it's without doubt better.

A thousand fold better.

My day to day can certainly feel defeating and mundane, and while it's true that my house will never been clean enough, my children smart enough, and my budget balanced enough (thus the feeling that my job and tasks are never completed), I also get dozens of cuddles and kisses every day. I get to watch my children pick up new skills and teach them about the world around them. I can watch Jude share with a younger child and have compassion on someone who is hurt, and know that I taught him that. And while my body has certainly changed through the childbearing process, I also know that my body is holding onto weight in order to nourish my infant with milk that was perfectly created just for him.

I can't deny that I'm not as young, thin, carefree, naive, and even fun as I used to be, but I'm alive. The fact that I have a handsome husband (on whom age looks great, by the way) and two sweet and fascinating children beyond that is evidence that God loves to give good gifts to His children. Even if society and experience are telling me that my value is decreased as my age and pants size increase, I'm choosing to believe that age, wrinkles, wisdom, gray hair, and experience are beautifully lovely. I'm choosing to believe that the best is yet to be.