birth story, part two

Around 4:45 am, Shawn and I headed to our hospital - carefully running red lights and getting there as quickly as possible. I continued to groan through the contractions, and also continued to feel perfectly fine between them. A couple of weeks ago, I read that emitting a low groan when you're having contractions is much more effective than letting out yells or screams (I did a lot of screaming in pain with Jude). Apparently keeping your tone low helps you feel more in control. I thought it was kind of bull hockey when I read it, but gave it a go anyway. For me at least, it really did help.

On our way into the hospital from the car, I stopped once to lean over a bike rail through a contraction, but was still fine to walk and talk before and after. Shawn and I got to triage, I got changed and got my vitals checked, and was told that I was dilated to a "4" at 5:10am. I had a feeling that I probably wasn't super far along, so I was okay with things seemingly going slowly. The doctor requested that rather than send me home, I take some time to do some walking to see if we could get things progressing. As I was sitting up in the bed and putting on my shoes to start walking, I mentioned that I had a headache and asked if I could get some Tylenol. The headache caused the nurse to check my blood pressure, which was a little high. She continued checking for about twenty minutes, and it was apparently only getting higher - so walking was out of the question! I stayed in triage while they set up my birthing room, and leaned over the bed - groaning and swaying- while Shawn rubbed my lower back to get through each contraction. I was starting to feel a little nauseated after the contractions and was also beginning to feel more worn out in between. Rhonda brought me a wet rag to put over my head (I still had that dang headache), so I laid in the bed in between contractions with the rag on my forehead and rested.

Once the birthing room was ready and I was wheeled in, the contractions picked up pretty significantly. I had been saying that I'd like an epidural in a bit, but they needed to do some blood tests to make sure everything was okay with my blood pressure and I could handle it. While I waited for the tests, I did my best to focus on getting through each contraction. I remember desperately wanting to get up and lean on the edge of the bed, but I wasn't allowed. I eventually figured out that laying on my side and kind of swaying my legs and hips back and forth helped me get through.

I've heard women talking about being in a zone through natural childbirth, and I guess that's kind of what you'd say I felt. I had Rhonda and Shawn on either side of me through each contraction, and I honestly don't remember too much of what they said. Every once in awhile though, I would feel like I was on the edge of sanity, and someone would say something that would snap me back into thinking, "You can do this. You've got this, it's not that bad. You've got this." At one point Rhonda said something along the lines of, "Each contraction is bringing you closer to Baby Cohen, Jen," which got me through several difficult ones. I did my best to stop fighting against the pain and imagine it literally drawing my baby closer to me. I also focused on Jude, reminding myself that the pain I was feeling was very, very temporary compared to the joy of having sweet Cohen in my arms. I have a feeling that instead of tightening up my body (including my cervix) out of instinct with each contraction, I started to try and loosen myself up in anticipation of the pain bringing Cohen towards me.

And that, my friends would be when the figurative crap hit the fan.

My blood tests came back normal, so the sweet promise that the epidural would be coming soon got me through the next contraction or two. Because of the intensity of what I was feeling, the nurse offered me some Stadol to help take off the edge - about which I was extremely excited. I felt a little bit of an urge to push as I was having one of the contractions, but the fear of having to be checked made me keep that to myself until I felt the same urge with the next two. Because of the epidural, I never felt the urge to push with Jude, so I was also in a bit of disbelief. As my contraction was subsiding, I said to Rhonda, "I feel...I kind of feel like I need to..."

I saw Rhonda and the nurse give each other a look, and Rhonda asked, "You need to what, honey?"

"I feel like I need to push a little, but please don't let them check me while I'm having a contraction," I begged. During the next contraction, the nurse informed me that I wouldn't be able to receive the Stadol because if I was ready to deliver soon, there was a chance of it crossing the placenta. I was checked, and had progressed from a 4 to a 9 in about forty minutes. I was feeling an urge to push with each contraction, and began to ask for the anesthesiologist a bit more forcefully. I was so scared about pushing and probably tearing without any pain medication, and Shawn says that fear was written all over my face. Beyond that, the contractions were extremely, extremely painful and I was having a much more difficult time staying in control.

Without realizing it, I began singing (in my head) a song called "Mystery" by Charlie Hall. I couldn't remember all the words though, so I was focusing over and over on the line, "Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity," and through the worst of the contractions I was groaning, "My God, My God, My God, My God, My God." In the moment, I was trying to focus on asking Him for the strength and courage to do what seemed impossible before me. I hoped that each contraction would be last one without the epidural, and the anesthesiologist finally, finally, finally got there!

I sat on the edge of the bed and Rhonda gave me a pillow to hug while Shawn let me lean my head and arms into him. I remember feeling the strength in his arms and thinking that I could be strong because he was strong. The anesthesiologist seemed to take forever, and the urge to push was only getting more difficult to withstand. After a minute, I felt my water break, and the urge to push quickly intensified ten fold. By the time he had finished I couldn't help but bearing down when I felt the urge, and the delivery room suddenly turned into a flurry. The minute he finished, I was whirled around on my back, my feet were in stirrups, and the doctor plus several nurses were in the room.

I had kind of a moment of disbelief and remember thinking, "No. No way. It cannot possibly be time to push. This is way too soon!" It all felt incredibly surreal as I asked over and over, "When will the medicine kick in? I don't want to do this without medicine, when will it kick in???" Through the entire labor, I found it most helpful to not look at either Shawn or Rhonda. I knew that I would probably see sympathy and helplessness in their eyes, and I knew that'd give me permission to feel sorry for myself. I instead closed my eyes or focused on the wall or ceiling. Apparently at this point, I looked at Rhonda though, and pleaded, "Please make it stop." Rhonda replied, "It's going to stop. One way or the other." I'm sure she was much encouraging than that, but that's what my head heard and what reminded me that this was completely temporary and actually coming to an end soon.

The urge to push soon became so overwhelming that I couldn't deny it, so when the urge came - I pushed. In a weird way, it was a relief and actually felt good to just let my body go and do what it felt it needed to do. The most pain I felt was when Cohen's head was crowning, and I'm pretty sure I said something like, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"

Had I been someone else in the room, I think I would've chuckled at that. Not only could I do it, but I was.

In the next push, I could feel his shoulders coming through, and with one more push he was out. I'm guessing I pushed maybe five times...and that's a high guess. I will never forget the feeling of pushing that baby out of my body, and the immediate sense of absolute relief I felt. As soon as I saw him being taken to the warmer, I did a very strange giggle/cry for a few minutes. I knew I probably sounded ridiculous, but I really couldn't help it - I was in complete and utter shock at what I had just done. I found strength I didn't know I possessed, and did something I didn't think I was capable of. Once I looked at the clock, I also realized that I had just had a three and a half hour labor, and couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous that was.

Thankfully the epidural kicked in at that point, so while I could feel the placenta being delivered, I only felt small pinches when the doctor sewed up my two second degree tears. Cohen was cleaned up and Shawn held him while I was sewn and cleaned. Within probably ten minutes of giving birth, I was suddenly more exhausted than I've ever been. I'm not sure if I was worn out, or if it was a result of the hormones released in giving birth naturally, but I held Cohen and it was all I could do to not take a nap.

He has some slight facial bruising, some broken blood vessels in his eyes, and initially had some swelling from his rocket-like trip, but each of those things are temporary and are getting better. He's perfect and sweet and is absolutely amazing!

I'll update when I get a chance about how Jude has reacted to Cohen, how Shawn and I are feeling, what we can see of Cohen's personality so far, and all that other good stuff - but for now, I'm going to rest.