things never to say to a pregnant woman

1. "Wow, you're huge! Are you about ready to pop?"

This one would seem pretty obvious, but it's amazing how many people (mostly men, it seems) think it's okay to say this to a pregnant woman. On the flip side, you really want to avoid ANY comment on a pregnant woman's size. I've had friends who didn't gain much weight at first and felt really self-conscious that they were doing something wrong or hurting the baby. People's well intentioned assertions of how small they still were only served to make their anxieties worse. To be safe, you just want to stick to something generic like, "You look great!"

2. "You know how to get that labor started, right?" Hint, hint, wink, wink, elbow, elbow.

Yes... we know you're talking about sex. There's no good way to answer when someone says that, and it's incredibly awkward for everyone involved. The only exception to this is that a good friend of the same gender can say this to the husband or wife - but not in the company of other people. And DEFINITELY not in front of your husband's Jr. High students.

3. "Well, don't go into labor on Thursday, 'cause I need your husband to do x, y, and z for me on Thursday."

While the pregnant woman might then say, "Oh, well I hope the baby waits until Friday, then!" she's probably thinking something along the lines of, "Seriously? Could you be anymore selfish or myopic?" Ummm...or maybe that's just me. Either way, the truth is that the statement IS selfish. I don't know about other pregnant women, but I'm extremely conscious of trying to not go into labor at a time that's inconvenient for Shawn's work. While I'm certain you could find at least five other people to do x, y, and z for you, I'm pretty sure I have only one option in my child's father. Let's not pretend that the birth of our second child can or should be planned around the tasks you have for my husband.

Ahem...stepping off my soapbox now.

4. "Ooooh! I just love to touch baby bellies, let me feel!"

Over my two pregnancies I've realized that I actually like when good friends or family just reach over and touch my belly - especially if the baby is moving. And I don't terribly mind when random people want to touch my belly, I just really appreciate when they ask first. You lose so much privacy and modesty throughout pregnancy, it's nice to at least pretend like your body isn't suddenly public property. That being said, some women get really angry when you just touch their belly - so always asking first is a good rule of thumb. Don't assume that pregnancy makes their bellies your property to touch.

5. "My labor was forty-three hours long, I pooped on the table, the epidural wore off, and then I actually gave birth to an alien."

Save your war stories for either a second time Mom or women who are not pregnant. First time Moms are so anxious anyway, telling them the worst of your labor is really just cruel. And as a good rule of thumb, you probably want to hold off telling second time Moms in their third trimester.

6. "You should have the baby on such and such day because my cousin's Aunt's best friend's Mom was born that day!"

I'm a total hypocrite on this one, because it's one of my pet peeves but I find myself doing it to other people. It's hard when you hear a date to NOT say that it's so and so's birthday that the Mama has never met or heard of. And yet, I told Shawn the other day that I'm tired of taking requests for this baby's birthday. Like most pregnant women, I don't care whose birthday is in two weeks, and it gets old hearing people tell you that you should wait until then to have the baby. "Yeah...probably not," is what I want to say.

Pregnant women are dealing with a lot. Their hormones are crazy, their bodies are huge, their anxiety is at its height, and somehow the social norms of what is acceptable to say to someone are thrown out the window as soon as she starts announce her bundle of joy. Take it easy on her, and put some thought into what you say!